The Hellfire Club

kiddish clubs.what better time to discuss them than shabbat shuva. because theyre a problem.

i mean, yeah, its totally fab that you guys like each other so much that you need to go get a drink together on shabbat. in the middle of davening. [yes, the haftorah counts. if it didnt, we wouldnt do it, now would we?]. so congrats on having the kind of friendships that bards will speak of long after man has forgotten how to love. but see, the thing is that knesset/shul isnt a lodge or a social club. we’re kinda there to daven. and by “kinda“, i mean “completely“.

i mean, look,

1-aside the fact that youre ruining your own kavanna by going out to drink, youre also pissing the crap out of everyone else who isnt going b/c they dont approve and ruining their kavanna too.good job. jerks.

2-as the shulchan aruch and other sources state, one cannot eat–sorry–it is forbidden to eat before having kiddush. additionally, one may not even drink water after shacharit before reciting kiddush. and i doubt any of you guys are saying kiddush when youre knocking back your jack walker. [no thats not a typo.  ive known him long enough to call him jack. ive earned it].and i said “kiddush” not “borei pri hagafen“. that means im tashiv, vshamru, and zachor. the whole shebang.

3-so how stoked do you think Hashem is when you guys pour out of the room, completely ignore the haftorah, and come back full of alcohol? oh, its just one drink, you say? could you pass a breathalyzer? no? oh, then im sure its totally ok that even though you couldnt legally drive a car in your state, youre perfectly capable of, yknow, proceeding TO TALK TO GD. just saying.

but y’know what, never mind. im sure im overreacting and being oversensitive. after all, the first kiddish club went so well. remember that one? with those guys…what were their names…oh yeah!

nadav and avihu.

gmar chatima tova

–MaNishtana

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4 thoughts on “The Hellfire Club

  1. hey wait a minute there mr. we-need-more-minhagic-diversity-and-freedom, not everone’s day kiddush is quite as long and wordy as yours is. some people actually do follow the original basic enactment of “borei pri hagafen” and that’s it. and some of us start “‘al kein…” just a half-sentence before that. so none of this “whole shebang” nonsense, please.

    (i am also anti-kiddushclubs, btw; just needed to call you out on your minhagic imperialism) :-P

    Like

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