and so welcome to our first edition of “urban parsha“. its just like regular torah. but ghetto.
so this week moses is all like “my bad G. i effed up. i know. but can you please let me in the crib?” and Gd’s like “yo moses. you know you my dude right? but you is going in with this israel thing, dawg. i got like 515 voicemails from you. that ish is not cute, na mean?” so then moses is like “but yo, how i had joseph’s back and he gets to roll up in the crib, but im getting played?” and Gd is all “nigga plz, i know you not tryna blow up spots. cuz joseph let egypt know he was flagging straight up. he was like ‘nah, bird-head god. i phunks with the hebrews.’ thats whassup.” and moses is like “aight, true dat. respect.” then Gd’s like “look moses. real talk? if i let the jews come through with you to the crib, then when they start acting the fool, imma have to smoke em all, cuz i cant just tell em to bounce cuz you my dude, na mean? look ill let you peep the crib from nebo, but tell your boy joshua to roll up with the jews later, aight?”
in other events, there was a recap of the ten commandments: “now look, i know some of yall dont know how to listen, so imma say it again. 1-i am the OG, the big G, the only G. 2-dont come this way with nonsense talking bout “imma roll with this next dude right here”. yall roll with me, ride or die. dont test me, cuz my pimp hand is strong. buhlee dat. 3-keep my name out ya mouth when you talking reckless. 4-dont roll on shabbos! shomer shabbos! 5-dont be talking out your mouth to pops or ma dukes. you seen that white boy slap his moms on dr phil? smdh. 6-no killing. you not that gully and i already got a dude for that. 7-be down with opp if you want. just dont be surprised that “stop, drop, and roll” doesnt work in hell. 8-dont gimme that “it was a five-finger discount” ish. 9- and also dont gimme that “what had happened was…” ish either. i seent you, nigga. 10-dont be thinking bout how youd having some next dudes shorty open. if she wanted a one-minute man id have given her to you from the jumpoff.”
finally, we are left with this note: “now in life, you will run up on some shady @zz cats who think they ish is sweet. dont worry bout them. i got them. the cal is on them, aight? peace out.”
[good lord i think i felt brain cells die writing that. and this is how some people speak? for real? cmon now, didnt what you just read seem even vaguely ridiculous? well thats how you sound. lets get it together black ppl. acting black is acting black. acting ghetto is just acting stupid…
…as for “urban parsha“…hey, when something is really, truly, internally yours? you can have a lot of fun with it. shabbat shalom.]
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