Real Talk Parsha: Bereshit [Gen 1:1-6:8]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so here we are at the start of it all. the beginning of this wild crazy place called the world as we know it. if anyone ever needed any proof that the first man and woman were in all likelihood black, its right there in black and white for everyone to see. because adam and eve arent in the garden of eden two seconds before they immediately start lowering the property value.

at any rate, the sages traditionally place the blame of the forbidden fruit eating on adam for adding an additional unnecessary fence of not touching the tree to the actual rule of not eating from the tree. as any good rabbi knows, there should be at least 7-12 unnecessary fences around the gate that leads to the bridge that’s in front of the brick wall which surrounds the moat which protects the tower which houses the actual rule in the dungeon that my father bought for two zuzim, a kid, a kid.

other sages say it was adam’s fault for not checking to see if the food eve was offering him was “kosher.”

i say they’re all being too hard on adam. guys, back me up here. after all, we all know how unlikely it is for us to know the eye color of our closest female acquaintances b/c our eyes rarely make the strenuous trek north of a woman’s neck. and thats when she’s fully clothed. eve was naked. adam didnt stand a chance.

adam didn’t check if the food was “kosher”? more like he didnt even realize the nice naked lady in front of him had even given him something to eat in the first place:

eve: so i was in the garden talking to this snake right?

adam: uh huh

eve: and he was like eat this food, it’ll make you, like, a god or something?

adam: uh huh

eve: anyway–are you even listening?

adam: uh huh

eve: anyway, i had some of it and it tastes alright and stuff, but i dunno.

adam: uh huh

eve: here you try it.

[adam absently takes fruit, bites]

adam: uh huh

eve: see? you feel any different?

adam: uh huh

Gd: um, hey guys…whatcha doing?

adam: nothin

Gd: cool. i was just…adam, are–are you eating the one fruit i specifically asked you not to??

adam: what? what’re you–

[adam looks down at hand]

adam:…oh well this isnt good.  this isnt good at all.

Gd: so, like, can i get an explanation or something?

adam: i–i just–and she–her–with the boobs, and the, and the…the boobs?

Gd:……….okay, so im just gonna ask eve, okay? okay.

see? no chance.

–MaNishtana

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9 thoughts on “Real Talk Parsha: Bereshit [Gen 1:1-6:8]

  1. Some feminist part of me wants NOT to laugh at this. And of course, the other part of me is married and completely understands how all of this could go down. 🙂 Now, if “Adam” had just listened to ME!

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  2. B”H

    Interestingly enough, Moshav Zekeinim brings down that Eve actually hit him with a piece of wood to coerce him to eat after her. Since he hadn’t eaten from the tree yet, he did not understand that he could disobey her, therefore he ate! I ain’t lying! Look it up! Now I don’t know what they looked like, but that does sound kinda negro-ish. Lol

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  3. I much prefer this to urban parsha, because I understand it! I know, ridiculous, but it took so long to read the other ones because I always had to have ‘urban dictionary’ open in another tab. I’m guessing growing up in the suburbs obviously didn’t help my understanding of the urban lingo.

    Also, this was hilarious. I frequently have conversations of the same vein with male friends. Why are you all so easily distracted??

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  4. Your dialogue is funny, but I’ve found that the blame is traditionally placed on Eve, for, succumbing to the serpent, and for physically giving the fruit to Adam. Your interpretation, while amusing, does nothing to remove this sexist stain from the story. In fact, according to the Torah, this interpretation makes no sense, since Adam would arguably not have recognized Eve’s breasts as anything especially astounding: remember, they didn’t know they were naked until they had eaten the fruit. So your interpretation doesn’t really make sense. Adam is hardly blameless in this story. He must take responsibility for his own actions.

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    • of course it makes no sense [yes, b/c of all the points you mentioned] this blog is just in good fun. a sort of “what if adam and eve were like us today”. but ive always found that blame has mostly been placed on adam, like i stated earlier in the piece for adding a fence where it was not necessary and for not checking the “kashrut” of the food, especially since he was the one directly given the mitzva. i cant actually recall any blame placed on chava past the whole “bringing death back to the world” deal…which i guess is pretty heavy…lol

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