real talk parsha: lech lecha [gen12:1-17:27]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

look, yeah, i get it. abraham, isaac, moses–all of them were much better people morally and spiritually than we are.  but sometimes, they do things and its like, “oh yeah.  he’s a dude.”  like this week, for instance.  sarah isnt having kids, so she offers abraham her maidservant hagar.  one-sarah is an awesome wife.  two-yeah, abraham’s definitely a guy.  i mean, who’s really gonna say “no” to bringing in another chick?  did sarah even get to finish the sentence?

sarah: look abe, im not getting you any kids, so maybe you should take hag–

abraham: done.

like, no joke.  this is a dude who talks to Gd, like, ALL the time asking about stuff. am i gonna have a son?  what does my descendants future look like?  should i listen to sarah and send my son away?

but this?

sarah makes the proposition in one verse, and in literally the next verse abraham says yes. not a pause, doesn’t even break a sweat.  but when Gd says, say, “I want you to circumcise yourself“, abraham heads over to his giant buddies aner, eshkol, and mamre to get advice.  which was probably a very interesting conversation:

aner: he wants you to do what?

abraham: yeah, Gd wants me to circumcise myself.

eshkol: seriously?

abraham: yup.

mamre: well, it’s Gd and all, so I guess you should do it…but circumcise yourself? have you seen what happens when people cut their own hair?

so yeah, pretty selective, that sly abraham, on what does and doesn’t need a second opinion. but well played, sir, on the handmaiden scenario. this is for you.

[slow clap]

also, apologies to jim gaffigan.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this aint the place. its less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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One thought on “real talk parsha: lech lecha [gen12:1-17:27]

  1. Oh h 2 the naw! Sarah a good 1. I woulda been like, “abe, baby, u look good lookin up adoption agencies online”. I think solomon had the smoothest game by getting queen of sheba to drink (wine or water) i 4get which. Oh u aint got 2 give it up if u dont touch nothin in the room. Then he gone feed her some hot fries and he get 2 hit. I have been hit by sly game like that b4. Lol!

    Like

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