real talk parsha: vayechi [gen 47:28–50:26]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so speaking of countdowns and things ending, this week we say goodbye to the book of genesis and jacob says goodbye to his sons. but first, jacob–being the excellent practical joker that he is–decides to give joseph a heart attack before he passes on by switching his hands while blessing joseph’s sons, placing his right hand on ephraim, the younger, and his left on manasseh, the older. jacob, u sir, are a riot:

joseph: um, dad. MANASSEH is the older one.

jacob: i know.

joseph: then why did you switch h–

jacob: oh, i like ephraim more.

joseph: you…

[joseph has mild panic attack.]

joseph: you LIKE ephraim more…but…

jacob: actually, look in that closet over there? ive got this GREAT coat id think he’d like.

[joseph starts hyperventilating.]

joseph: but with the slavery…and the…

jacob: no its cool. i just think th–BWAHAHAHA…

[jacob guffaws, wipes away tears. joseph faints.]

jacob: oh gosh…i almost had it there…whoo…if i could see the look on your face…

anyhoo, after that jacob gathers his sons together and gives them their blessings in a scene slightly reminiscent of when zordon bestows the zords on the mighty morphin power rangers, just without the crazy synth/guitar solo playing in the background. jacob dies afterwards, has a funeral in which esau shows up to crash the party and ends up getting his head chopped off [you guys should really pick up a midrash once in a while]. joseph and his brothers reconcile AGAIN, and the series finale of “genesis” is brought to close with joseph revealing to the brothers the secret password that the true deliverer will use to bring them out of egypt and back to israel.

chazak chazak v’nitchazek

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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so speaking of countdowns and things ending, this week we say goodbye to the book of genesis and jacob says goodbye to his sons. but first, jacob–being the excellent practical joker that he is–decides to give joseph a heart attack before he passes on by switching his hands while blessing joseph’s sons, placing his right hand on ephraim, the younger, and his left on manasseh, the older. jacob, ur sir, are a riot:

joseph: um, dad. MANASSEH is the older one.

jacob: i know.

joseph: then why did you switch h–

jacob: oh, i like ephraim more.

joseph: you…

[joseph has mild panic attack.]

joseph: you LIKE ephraim more…but…

jacob: actually, look in that closet over there? ive got this GREAT coat id think he’d like.

[joseph starts hyperventilating.]

joseph: but with the slavery…and the…

jacob: no its cool. i just think th–BWAHAHAHA…

[jacob guffaws, wipes away tears. joseph faints.]

jacob: oh gosh…i almost had it there…whoo…if i could see the look on your face…

anyhoo, after that jacob gathers his sons together and gives them their blessings in a scene slightly reminiscent of when zordon bestows the zords on the mighty morphin power rangers, just without the crazy synth/guitar solo playing in the background. jacob dies afterwards, has a funeral in which esau shows up to crash the party and ends up getting his head chopped off [you guys should really pick up a midrash once in a while]. joseph and his brothers reconcile AGAIN, and the series finale of “genesis” is brought to close with joseph revealing to the brothers the secret password that the true deliverer will use to bring them out of egypt and back to israel.

chazak chazak v’nitchazek

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