real talk parsha: vayigash [gen 44:18–47:27]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

previously on “joseph: the series”…

joseph: no! don’t sell me!

judah: sell him.

*****

jacob: my son! my son is gone!

reuben: i TOLD you guys not to sell him!

*****

potiphar: welcome to egypt, joseph. i appoint you head of my household affairs.

*****

potiphar: throw him in jail!

****

butler: great pharoah, while in jail i came across this hebrew youth who could interpret dreams with startling accuracy.

pharaoh: then bring him forward!

*****

pharoah: i crown you viceroy, joseph

*****

jacob: why are you sitting here? we need food! go to egypt and get some!

****

joseph: you are all spies!

brothers: no we’re not! we’re just here to buy food and looking for a brother we lost.

****

joseph: dont come before me again without your youngest brother!

****

jacob: no! i wont let you take benjamin too!

judah: father i will PERSONALLY guarantee benjamin’s safety.

****

joseph: my stolen cup was found in benjamin’s sack. he will stay here as my slave.

****

and now, the conclusion of “joseph: the series.”

so after last week’s cliffhanger ending, judah steps up and…well pretty much says everything i just said. joseph finally breaks down [or has a schizophrenic episode. either one] and reveals himself to his brothers. according to the midrash, quite literally. [ie, his circumcision, which weren’t all the rage back in the day. the midrash says a lot of things about this episode, actually. like how judah and the brothers went all justice league when joseph was refusing to let benjamin go, with sonic screams and bleeding tears and running around egypt with super speed and iron hair. true story.]. at any rate, joseph sends his bros back home to tell jacob and to bring everyone down to egypt so he can take care of them for the rest of the famine.

so after this entire ordeal, theres a happy reunion, tears are shed, and jacob meets pharoah. pharoah asks how old he is, [probably impressed that jacob strolls into town with twelve kids from four different women and 70 descendants total] to which jacob says 130 and that those years have been short and evil. then he blesses pharoah and bounces.

wow.

can you imagine that?

pharoah: dude, you stroll up in here with SEVENTY heads? how old are you playa playa?

jacob: [sigh] oh…yeah…130…had four wives…12 kids…tons of wealth…cattle….fought an angel…[sigh]…miserable life really…but, hey, i totally wish you luck on this whole ruling the known world thing. go do you.

[shakes head]

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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2 thoughts on “real talk parsha: vayigash [gen 44:18–47:27]

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