real talk parsha: shemot [ex 1:1–6:1]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

alright, step up folks, come one, come all, to the beginning of the book of the bible most notorious for spawning horribly realized film adaptations.

yep, you know its true.  even demille’s “ten commandments”–clearly the best of the bunch–cant seem to get it all right. [aside, of course, from casting vincent price as “nameless egyptian overseer who inaccurately whips joshua for some reason”, when he wouldve been better served as “abiram” to edward g robinson’s “dathan”.]

anyhoo, its maddening b/c the material IS ALL RIGHT THERE! all you have to do is pretty much scribble “enter moses, stage right” in the margins of the page and BAM!, youve got ur script. but no, hollywood always has to screw things up to add “spice” like:

1-putting moses in line for the throne. what? where did you even read that? pharoah didnt adopt moses.  pharoah’s daughter did. in a society where inheritance lines are male oriented, how would he even be in line?

2-not making him 80. even tho it clearly says that moses was 80. [ex 7:7. sure thats a lil bit ahead, but whatever]. movies seem to insist on either having him be some youngish rebel [prince of egypt, the atrocious “moses” mini series on abc] or they have him be young, trip out on some shrooms while talking to the burning bush, and come down randomly old [ten commandments].

3-having him be former besties with the future pharoah as a youngun, thereby putting them in conflict when moses comes to free his ppl. this is kind of an offshoot of the “he’s 80” problem. even moses WAS besties with the soon-to-be pharoah, said pharoah was long gone by the time moses came back nearly SIXTY years later.

4-moses talks to pharaoh. like, the entire burning bush episode is about how moses DOESNT talk to pharoah. the entire POINT of aaron coming along is to talk to pharoah FOR moses. SO WHY DOES EVERY MOVIE HAVE MOSES TALKING TO PHAROAH WHILE AARON JUST STANDS THERE AS A PROP MAN??

5-miriam never seems to exist. her whole deal is the song of the sea and, yknow, THE WELL OF MIRIAM. not only have i never seen miriam show up for the sea song [except for prince of egypt] but ive also never seen her well.

cmon ppl. get it together.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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