Why So Serious?

so recently ive gotten the question as to why my posts are so “black” or so “militant”. which baffles me. [and leads me to wonder if i were a white jewish dude talking about my tax dollars going to the poor, the merits of glen beck, and fondue, would i then equally be harangued with accusations of being so “white” or so “republican”? but anyhoo.] im not exactly sure when a general intolerance of stupidity or disrespect translated into being “militant”.  here, walk through this scenario with me: im sitting on a train and some white dude steps on my shoe, doesn’t apologize, then sits down next to me. if i say “so, hey…you’re just not gonna say anything there sunshine?”, im not being militant. im being annoyed that someone stepped on my foot. if i say “what? you think b/c you’re white you can just step on the black man the way your ancestors have been stepping on the necks of the black man and black woman and black children for four hundred years after taking us from our homelands and raping our cultures and forcing your religion on us?? what, you expected me to just shuffle my feet and say “thanks massa, can you steps on me again?” and then take my black ass to the back of the train, mr offay?”. if i say all that, then i’m being militant.

see the difference?

just b/c im bringing to light issues ppl may or may not be comfortable with or would rather be left to the shadows doesn’t mean im being militant. it means i have eyes and a mouth. i don’t give snarky answers to ur disingenuous questions b/c you’re white or b/c im black or due to any other combination of pro/anti/white/black/militant rationalizations. i give snarky answers b/c you belie a level of stupidity which requires an illegal [albeit humorous and cathartic] response of sudden physical backlash, however since society tends to frown upon such things i am obliged to convert these urges into horrible soul-crushing sarcasm.

anyhoo. like i was saying, i’m not militant. this guy is.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A5MPkDV3gDU

here endeth the lesson.

–MaNishtana

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Urban Parsha Shoftim [deut 16:18-21:9]

urban parsha”.  it’s just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

and so G said, “so when y’all get up in the crib, y’all needs to set up some popo and 5-0. and make sure them cats ain’t shady, neither. also, don’t come up in My House with some busted looking heifer telling me “nah G, its cool. this is for you.”  that ish is not sweet. now y’all are gonna want someone over y’all like a boss, so go ahead and do you, but dude can’t be od-ing on all them rides, bagging mad dimepieces, and chasing that paper. if you happen to accidentally smoke a dude, i got you. i got some cribs set up where you can dip for a minute. when i tell y’all to roll up on some next cats, y’all be ready to roll out. but if you got a new crib you aint posted up in yet, or planted some trees you ain’t got to blaze yet, or bagged a shorty but aint wifed her up yet, or if you just straight up p*****, y’all aint got to roll with the crew.”

[good lord i think i felt brain cells die writing that. and this is how some people speak?  for real?  cmon now, didnt what you just read seem even vaguely ridiculous?  well thats how you sound.  lets get it together black ppl.  acting black is acting black. acting ghetto is just acting stupid…

…as for “urban parsha“…hey, when something is really, truly, internally yours?  you can have a lot of fun with it.  shabbat shalom.]

–MaNishtana

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Jewish is the New [insert nonexistent color here]

of all the aspects of african-american culture that black jews have at their disposal to integrate into judaism, why is it that the only one they seem to assimilate with little to no difficulty is the “uncle tom/aunt jemima/magical negro” paradigm?

you know what im talking about. those 30-40 year old grown black jewish men and women who run around with their teenaged white jewish “best friends”. the black jews who apparently come from some bizarro world where we roam the plains not unlike the wild buffaloes of yore, b/c when they see your black jewish @ss they look straight through you like you’re nothing special. or better yet, they try not to see you at all. even if youre the only two black people in the room. and everyone in their circle of all-white friends [who just adore their token ethnic acquisition] is pointing at you. then there are the ones who make painstakingly deliberate measures to seem as un-black as possible. [this includes but is not limited to shunning any and every form of music that black ppl have even looked at, let alone influenced, affecting a general ignorance of even the most publicly acknowledged of urban slang, playing the general yes-man  most especially and voraciously in cases critical of matters of or pertaining to african/caribbean peoples and/or their culture, the claiming of the most minute non-african portion of your dna as the determinant of your ethnicity, the declaration of “not seeing color/color doesn’t matter” in social or romantic situations which curiously only seems to apply when the person in question is not black, and professing a deep-seated hatred for “spicy” foods, affirmative action, fried chicken and red kool-aid]. then there’s the variant black jew. the one with “only one” syndrome.  this one shuns other black jews so he can tell his tale of woe and oppression alone.  apparently suffering isn’t very unique if there’s another guy with the same story. although i guess it is harder to be a martyr if you’re banding together with like-minded people with a common goal in mind. i mean, if change comes you might have to share the credit, G-d forbid…

a friend of mine once approached a black jew with skin as dark if not darker than my own shade of sexy milk-chocolate, and asked if he would be interested in partaking in a project showcasing jews of color. his response? [well, aside from saying “im not black. im a moor”?]

“ ill do it if you can tell me what a jew of color is.”

if i can–? motherf*cker, can you pass a paper bag test?  no? then congratulations. you’re a jew of color. and a field negro.

why my black jews?? why? why all the self-hate? do you think you’re not getting enough hate already as a black jew that you feel you need to double up? you do realize that being black and jewish is like being black with some more black added on, right? that if we happen to run across the klan they’re likely to lynch us twice?

now i realize that some of you get caught up at the conversion stage. ive heard more than twice about rabbis telling  black converts “you don’t have to worry about being black anymore b/c you’re jewish now”.

um, what?

more importantly, did you fill everyone else in? b/c im pretty sure when “black convert a” is walking down the street ppl aren’t thinking “my word, that jew has dark skin.” im reasonably sure they’re saying “why is that nigga dressed funny?”

 just sayin. if judaism had that magical power, im pretty sure michael jackson, bryant gumble, and larry elder would’ve just jumped in a mikveh and called it a day.

so please, my black jews, maybe you want to consider identifying with where you came from both jewishly and ethnically. yknow, maybe cut it down to only some ppl laughing at you. instead of everyone.

[incidentally, for those who think they are exempt from said public service announcement, feel free to replace “black” with “non-white ethnicity of choice”. if the shoe then fits, please proceed to kick yourself in the @ss and go find some damn self-respect.]

–MaNishtana

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Urban Parsha Re’eh [deut 11:26-16:17]

urban parsha”.  it’s just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

and so G said: “imma tell y’all straight up right now: y’all  can do the damn thing and we be cool or y’all can drop ship and we got beef. when y’all get up in the club, it’s on with them next g haters. let em know we up in this ish. smoke them fools and they fake a$$ g’s. i run israel…don’t be tryna swith up my flow, ya heard me? my verses be tight already, i don’t need yall messing with my bars. now if some next cat comes along tryna kick knowledge that i aint never co-signed on, then that cat is tryna clown y’all cuz he don’t run with me. don’t let him gas you up with some walking across water ish…when you up in my crib, break me off with some of that paper, cuz y’all need a reminder that I run this ish. i get money. now y’all better come through and holler at me at me in club. you know how we get crunk on the trifecta.

[good lord i think i felt brain cells die writing that. and this is how some people speak?  for real?  cmon now, didnt what you just read seem even vaguely ridiculous?  well thats how you sound.  lets get it together black ppl.  acting black is acting black. acting ghetto is just acting stupid…

…as for “urban parsha“…hey, when something is really, truly, internally yours?  you can have a lot of fun with it.  shabbat shalom.]

–MaNishtana

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This Is The Aftermath

a conversation held over facebook with aliza hausman of http://www.alizahausman.net/ concerning “guess who’s coming to seder“. enjoy.

manishtana

that wasnt what i was saying at all. i was saying that those jocs that there are enough of to create a group, should, if only to create a form of judaism that can stand alongside “ashkenazi” or “sephardi” or “temani” etc, etc. once that is established, then sure everyone can do what they want b/c theyll have a ground of “this is what i, as an [insert ethnic] jew bring to the minhag table. at seudah shilishit i eat ackee and saltfish, b/c this is what the blending of my culture and my judaism  has created”… never did i say that interracial marriages are ALWAYS never for love, never did i say that interracial marriages are ALWAYS someone trying to wash away ethncity.

alizahausman

i am sephardi. and ashkenazi. so obviously i have issues with that.

manishtana

but i, for example, am really neither. i may follow one or the other, but im not from either one. what i am saying is that instead of becoming the [ethnic] ashkenazi or sephardi, temani, etc, is that a jewish culture should be created that more accurately reflects where one who isnt one of these comes from. my post isnt about not marrying who you want…

alizahausman

it’s about marrying for community. i think u should post this in ur response to mine.

manishtana

…its about saying THIS here is what i am and what i follow, and this is what im bringing. b/c i feel that is why jocs in america are more seen as exotic creatures. b/c what really is distinguishing joc ashkenazi and white ashkenazi? the skin. but if we have a flair and style that makes the judaism uniquely ours, it would be a different FLAVOR of judaism which might be of interest and less on the outside appearance.

alizahausman

im out of this conversation even as a convert. i am a sephardic jew. rice, beans.

manishtana

by “ashkenaz” i mean ANY of the recognized groups. its just shorter to keep saying ashkenaz.

alizahausman

so u want recognition as ur own group? why don’t u write more about that.

manishtana

and this isnt limited to the “european” groups, but also to groups like “beta israel”. sure, i’m also black, but im NOT ethiopian, so following beta israel would not solve the problem either.

alizahausman

“european groups”?

manishtana

ashkenaz, sephard as opposed to yemenite, temani, morrocan, bukhari.

alizahausman

sephardim not all european.

manishtana

the sfardim who arent european i have usually found to be not really “sfardi” but another group like morrocan or mizrahi who are called sfardi under the blanket that theyre “not ashkenaz”.

alizahausman

i disagree.

manishtana

well again thats been my experience…ive only run into sfardim from spain or france or mizrahis and temanis. but more broadly, my point was its not a “i just wanna follow something black” b/c again, beta israel are black, but im not ethiopian, so its the same problem.

alizahausman

we’re obviously on a different page.

manishtana

i dont think we are.

alizahausman

but i do believe in valuing the traditions we come from.

manishtana

THATS EXACTLY WHAT IM SAYING! thats ALL im saying, really.

alizahausman

but ur saying u can’t do that if u marry outside ur race.

manishtana

no. im saying that too many times ive seen ppl throw away where they came from to ingratiate themselves to another race…im saying that just b/c you HAVE married outside ur race DOESNT mean that you’ve thrown away where you came from…im saying you dont HAVE to throw away where you came from just b/c you’re jewish…and im saying whats wrong with building a community with ppl of like experiences and shared backgrounds the way every other branch/sect/ethnic group/whatever of judaism has. im saying just b/c we’re one doesnt mean we cant be different, and just b/c we’re different doesnt mean we can’t be one.

alizahausman

i think u might want to clarify that on your post b/c that’s not what came across.

manishtana

im not sure how not. all the pieces are there and im sure i reiterated that in several places.

alizahausman

“well most don’t even phase me. korean/puerto-rican? cool. indian/haitian? whatever. but when the equation is caucasian/non-caucasian?” doesnt go anywhere good after that.

manishtana

sure it does. “some of us, however, lack the ability to look beyond our knee-jerk race loyalty to realize that we don’t know random couple a. we don’t know their story. after all, i doubt when G-d is giving out soulmates He’s thinking “ok, lemme keep all my blacks over here, and my asians over here, and my whites over there.””

alizahausman

true that was good. i dunno what to say. i don’t think u have to defend ur thoughts to me certainly. “non-white jews need to build community–one where we are accepted, not merely tolerated–and “interracial” relationships are not conducive to that.” i disagree.

manishtana

most times ive experienced that there’s ethnic x and ethnic x spends their time talking about  how theyre discriminated against and a need for community…then ethnic x gets married to non-ethnic, and suddenly the drive disappears…then ethnic x 2 comes along the same deal happens…then ethnic x 3,4, etc…all the while a community couldve been building…but they just dissolve into the greater picture making tiny impacts if any, where they couldve made one large one.

alizahausman

“to end this, i’d prefer it if at last a generation was willing to make the sacrifice to stay amongst their own to build a foundation for future generations to build from.” what do u mean by “their own”?

manishtana

“their own” meaning whoever there is that shares their background. im not asking the one random korean to hold out for a korean jewish girl. but if there are 10-15 male and females of whatever ethnicity, something can start to build there.

alizahausman

don’t i sort of defy ur little box? doesn’t mixedjewgirl? obviously i am very connected to latino culture and jewish culture and the mixture of both and jews of color and community for jews of color.

manishtana

you are quite honestly welcome exceptions to the rules. but you only prove my point.

alizahausman

how?

manishtana

why are you and mixedjewgirl around? you decided to SACRIFICE of your time and resources to be voices. there are joc children now that have voices to look to. voices that were not around when i was a kid.

alizahausman

i know. and i am sorry for that.

manishtana

its nothing to be sorry for. its a fact. for growth and consolidation to happen, sacrifices must be made.

alizahausman

i think u were very honest in ur post. i am just worried about how it can be weaponized by some. i am worried about a world vision that made it sound like my kids could only marry other jewish-dominican kids. i mean, i do KNOW other jewish-dominican kids. Lol. and i am building a community of them. but if they marry someone jewish-mexican i’ll eat more mexican food.

manishtana

and THATS what im talking about. collect those kids. if they stay with dominicans, fine. but if not, youve created a dominican “home” for them to belong to.

alizahausman

haha. i got it. u can write at the bottom of your post “please REREAD before commenting.” btw, kudos on having such good comments. i get such jerks lately i forget there are thoughtful wonderful jewish people out there reading blogs.

manishtana

dont worry. im new. if i make it, the jerks will come. like field of nightmares.

–MaNishtana

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Guess Who’s Coming To Seder?

[warning: if “urban parsha” is the only exposure you’ve had to this blog, i suggest you read the other entries. these are my thoughts. this will not be over quickly. you will not enjoy this. i am not your king.]

interracial dating.

i don’t think there’s a topic im more internally divided on. its complex, really, and my thoughts are divided along a secular/jewish axis.

i don’t consider myself a particularly judgemental person and im usually known to give the benefit of the doubt in highly improbable situations. however, i am a product of my environment, that environment being two african-american parents who came of age during the civil rights era and were part of the “blaxploitation” generation who ran to see horrible movies [cmon now, blackula??] just b/c it was a chance to see black ppl onscreen who weren’t the help or comic relief. as such, they instilled in their children a subtle sense of “us v them”—a sense which proved necessary to survive the weekly gauntlet of knesset/shul—and a sense which has always left me less stunned at incidents of raial prejudice than my peers.  while most others of my generation have more or less bought into the “post-racial america” myth, i had weekly reminders of the ugliness that lurks just beneath the surface of society and so i was and am always on guard.  it seems sometimes as if ppl watch newsreels of civil rights marches and forget that there were little kids in those angry mobs holding “nigger go home” signs alongside their parents. those kids didn’t disappear when civil rights ended. theyre in their 40s-60s now. theyre your teachers, your professors, your bosses, the parents of your friends. [and sure, not all of your teachers, bosses, et al, but you get my point].

now how does this relate to my views on interracial relationships?

well most don’t even phase me. korean/puerto-rican? cool. indian/haitian? whatever. but when the equation is caucasian/non-caucasian? that’s when, as an african-american, im a lil bit uneasy. after all, the civil rights movement ended barely more than 40 yrs ago and post-apartheid south africa is less than 15 years old. it was only just a generation ago when that same ethnic person would’ve just been taken against their will anyway with little to no legal repercussions. so i guess maybe i harbor a lil anger/resentment. maybe a sense of “how dare you?” [although, as i am also a product of a male-dominated, occasionally misogynistic society, of course im more ok with white female/ethnic male couples than white male/ethnic female couples].

however, since i do consider myself a progressive, free-thinking individual who realizes that ppl are individuals and that dwelling in the past solves nothing, i treat white/non-white couples like any other couple. [indulgingly pats self on back]. in fact, to use the clichéd apologetic line, some of my best friends are in white/non-white relationships. lol. but seriously, i don’t let it color my interactions, but i cant deny that initial inner sigh i feel when i encounter one.

why?

well b/c society paints snagging a white partner as the ultimate sign of social success. whether we buy into it or not is a separate issue, but i think the reflex reaction to this is what causes that sigh in many of us.  “here’s another sellout” we think.  some of us, however, lack the ability to look beyond our knee-jerk race loyalty to realize that we don’t know random couple a.  we don’t know their story. after all, i doubt when G-d is giving out soulmates He’s thinking “ok, lemme keep all my blacks over here, and my asians over here, and my whites over there.” however, it can’t be ignored that some couples are born from less savory motives. like “marrying up”. like fulfilling an [insert ethnicity here] fetish. [remember kids, just b/c you scored a marriage doesn’t mean you’re free and clear out of racism forest]. or wanting kids with “good” hair and light skin. or just plain old self-hate. these are all attitudes which cause the breakdown of community and culture and they should be called out whenever present.

now wander over to the jewish community and things get tricky. b/c as jews, we’re supposed to—have a duty, in fact—to rise above the pettiness of social constructs such as “race”. a jew is a jew is a jew. there’s no such thing, really, as an “interracial” jewish couple. its not G-d’s fault that we’re extremely socially screwed up, but socially screwed up we are. centuries of the invisibilityof jews of color [invisibility, not absence] has created the presupposition that jew=white, an idea that jews themselves have largely bought into. so not only is there the standard of white= ive made it, but also the notion that to legitimize your judaism you have to in some way be connected to something white. “of course im jewish! see? my spouse is white!” “my kids are obviously jewish! they’re part white!”

a distressing trend i find amongst non-white jews is to “hide” behind the label of being “jewish”. as if they use “jewish” as a synonym for “not [insert ethnicity here]”. or, if they’ve converted, they use judaism as an excuse for shunning ethnic friends and family and for spending all their time exclusively amongst and fawning after caucasians. so yes, while “a jew is a jew is a jew” we cant ignore the fact that the world we live in doesn’t allow for that ideal existence.  non-white jews need to build community–one where we are accepted, not merely tolerated–and “interracial” relationships are not conducive to that.

now to those of you who just said “boo”, hear me out.  and to those of you who just said “yay”, hear me out.

mostly likely right now you’re either thinking im being separatist or racist or that im sticking with black ppl and sticking it to whitey. im actually doing neither. consider this: yes israel was one people, but it was a people made up of 12 distinct tribes. each tribe was given an inheritance of land, but for 40 yrs, the tribes were forbidden from intermarrying. why? to ensure that tribal inheritances stayed within the tribe and to solidify it as a cohesive group. after those inheritances were established, the ban was lifted [on the recently passed 15th of av, no less] and tribes were allowed to intermarry again. the various non-white jews are simply not ready to “intermarry” with their white counterparts.  what base are we moving from?  what traditions are we bringing with us to an “interracial” relationship? show me a non-white jewish community, with its rabbis and minhags and organizations and beit dins and rosh yeshivas and mikvahs, and then ill show you a community—a tribe—ready to “intermarry”.  whenever i propose this i keep hearing “oh, not everyone is gonna want to do that”. im sure not everyone wanted to stay within their own tribe in the desert either. but with an eye to the future, they did it. and in the long run a stronger people emerged from it. a chain is only as strong as it weakest link.

now for all my pro-black black jews, careful. b/c any kind of thinking that finds, measures or values its judaism based on skin isn’t torah. just b/c i’m not ecstatic about “interracial” marriage in judaism doesn’t mean i would shun an interracial wedding, doesn’t mean i would condescend on an interracial couple, doesn’t mean i wouldn’t let their kids play with my kids. because, again, that. isn’t. torah. to the rabbis out there who refuse to perform an “interracial” wedding: that. ISN’T. torah. what halacha is being broken?  what averah is being committed?

cmon now ppl, think. judaism is a religion which accepts converts. whether you think the first jews were all black or all white, do you really think that everyone who converted was the same color they were? somewhere in there there had to be *gasp* an “interracial” couple. to the “jews were white” ppl: tzippora was ehtiopian, wasn’t she?  to the “jews were black” ppl: onkelos was the roman emperor hadrian’s nephew wasn’t he? and again, do you really think G-d keeps his soulmates color-coded?

to end this, i’d prefer it if at last a generation was willing to make the sacrifice to stay amongst their own to build a foundation for future generations to build from. for those that don’t, hey look, you only have each other and Hashem to answer to, really, so just live your lives. but to those who are really just trying to wash away their ethnic with judaism, or to use it to finally get that white guy/girl: we see you, you’re fairly obvious, and you don’t hide it nearly as well as you might think.

and to the rest of judaism: if this conversation is any indication, we’re sadly a looong way from mashiach. if you don’t think so, just wait about 30 years when some of this “interracial” controversy has died down. and the wrong white jewish guy and the wrong black jewish gal fall in love. and marry. and have a kid. and then the chagim roll around.

and a half-black kohen gets up to give the priestly blessing.

[this blog should be read in conjunction with the next blog “this is the aftermath”.]

–MaNishtana

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Urban Parsha Ekev [deut 7:12-11:25]

urban parsha“.  it’s just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

and so moses said, “don’t be sleeping on none of what G told y’all, not even the small stuff.  obey it and he got your back just like he did out here in the desert for 40 years.  y’all never needed new kicks and the threads were mad fresh, right?  aight then.  when you get to the crib in israel don’t act like you brolic and you running ish like he ain’t put you on.  don’t be effing ish up like y’all did that time when i dipped to get the ten commandments and i came back and ya’ll were popping bottles with your iced-out calf.  G was mad tight with y’all about that.  i had to mash-up the tablets real quick and beg G not to bust shots.  he got mad love for the levites though.  they his boys and that’s why they don’t need to hustle for land.  now y’all peeped how the ish went down with pharaoh and his crew and how G was like “hold this” to dathan and abiram.  stay running with G and y’all can stay sipping patron on ice and milk and honey and all that ish. but let them next god dudes spit game at you, and y’all gots to bounce.  tell your kids to respect the bible game and post up his words on your crib and things’ll stay popping, he’ll make it rain for y’all, and none of them other wankstas will have a swagger like y’alls.”

[good lord i think i felt brain cells die writing that.  seriously this is getting harder to do.  and this is how some people speak?  for real?  cmon now, didnt what you just read seem even vaguely ridiculous?  well thats how you sound.  lets get it together black ppl.  acting black is acting black. acting ghetto is just acting stupid…

…as for “urban parsha“…hey, when something is really, truly, internally yours?  you can have a lot of fun with it.  shabbat shalom.]

–MaNishtana

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An Open So-Called Letter

dear hebrew-israelites,

there are some things we all think you should know.  firstly, us black jews [us REAL ones: ortho, reform, conserv, what have you] would like to deeply thank you for f*cking the term “hebrew” up for all of us and for making a general mockery of our existence. thanks ever so.  no really. that’s not being sarcastic at all.  to say us and the rest of judaism are following a “false religion” is extremely funny coming from a cult-like group that follows a judaism-christian hybrid which neither side acknowledges. seriously guys. you make “sacrifices” on barbeque pits in the middle of the sidewalk.  that sound you hear is 2009 knocking on the door trying to get in.  or maybe its reality.  i can never tell.

dear israelites, what is your perseveration in saying that we are slaves to a “white” book? [i.e., the talmud…the fact notwithstanding that you follow the new testament…which was orignally written in greek…and canonized by a roman emperor…so yeah, do the math there…]

dear israelites, even if the talmud is a “white” book [which would be highly unlikely, it having been composed in babylon and israel]. so what?  is there anything inherently “white” about saying “you can start prayer in the morning when the light is strong enough to distinguish between blue and green”?  or about saying “this is how you make tzitzit.  not just some graduation tassels attached to your jeans”?  or “hey don’t go wandering around at weird hours alone”?  or “to save a life is to save the entire world”?  its just helpful guidance, man.  do you not use light because thomas edison invented the lightbulb and he’s white?  or you don’t drive cars because they were invented by white henry ford? and i KNOW y’all wear cotton.  that’s a whole bag of slavery-filled worms in itself.

and by the way, we get it. hell a lot of us even agree: the original jews were black.  that having been said, so what?  what’s the point of standing on the corner on your loudspeaker on Shabbat telling us how black the first jews were when, y’know, YOU’RE STANDING ON THE CORNER ON YOUR LOUDSPEAKER ON SHABBAT??  that’s like a homeless guy talking about his rich his parents are.  what’s the point?  either actually be about it or shut up.  we’re really not interested in the out of context scriptures you’re hive-mind chanting at us anyway.

and speaking of scripture, please direct me to where it says “behold, and thou shalt dress in a manner as if thou art the bastard offspring of a threesome between the power rangers, the village people, and lawrence of arabia.”

dear  israelites, if the rumors are true, why do you pay white people to play dumb so you can defeat them with your dubious logic?  b/c by all rights your arguments should go down something like this:

“the so-called white jews are pretenders. that’s why they’re jew-ish!  what does reddish mean? not really red, right?  what does bluish mean? kinda blue, right? so they’re jew-ish.  not really jews, but kinda.”

“…so if I’m irish, does that mean I’m almost from ireland?”

[dumb look]

see?  why would someone not make that normal logical progression unless they were being paid not to?  tricksy, tricksy israelites, you.

i’m almost baffled at how you’re able to recruit, what with you fighting white ppl, condescending on black ppl, suppressing women and collecting wives like pokemon.

but i gotta admit i’m a lil bit jealous. you guys have got your schools and “temples” and communities and such.  even a website.  that’s more than us JOCs have.  if only there were a way to harness your power.

and, y’know, not have the crazy rub off.

[now, before anyone thinks this is a free for all: the main purpose of this post is to give a voice to jocs who feel israelites  cause  their existence to be ridiculed  and to clarify the difference to regular black folk the difference between black jews and hebrew israelites, and more importantly that black jews are not stephen fletchit uncle tom’s blindly following “white ppl” around.  something actually goes on in our heads.  no this isn’t an opportunity for all the closet racists to slink out of the closet and begin racially charged tirades thinly veiled as indignation. im not for you, im against them. that “enemy of my enemy” deal doesn’t fly with me.  you guys come from the same chasm of ignorance and racism. also, im not insinuating that anyone posting a comment here who happens to be white is one of the aforementioned closet racists. but if you are, you have been put on notice.  that is all.]

–MaNishtana

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You Love Me, You Really Love Me…

well. it seems like “urban parsha” was a real hit with you ppl.  since i’ve gotten requests, i suppose i’ll keep it up for a bit [although i’m fairly sure the appeal will wear off after a while. but i do admit i’m a lil bit excited to do ha’azinu.]  anyhoo, let’s see how long/far i can take this.  here’s what the critics have been saying:

“Rotflmao! This is too funny! I’m going to the site now to read more!”  –tiffany, facebook user

“great parsha. loved the Big Lebowski reference!”  –seth, facebook user

“your blog post on the parsha= awesome.”  –chava, facebook user

“lmao RT @MaNishtana: urban vaetchanan. lol.”  –mythgene, random twitter person.

“you’re a fool!”  –prodezra, musician.

who’s prodezra, you ask?  why, he’s only the jewish timbaland.  [and if you’ve made it this far in my blogs but for some reason now have a visual image of a white timbaland, you have only yourself to blame]. his album “prodezrabeats” dropped june 17th.  check it out on i-tunes [http://tinyurl.com/prodezraitunes] or at cdbaby.com [ http://www.cdbaby.com/cd/prodezra at http://tinyurl.com/remarkablemavenProdezra (*for easy international purchases), & downloads at http://www.digstation.com/prodezra (visa, mastercard)]

need a sampler? check out the “change” music video ft y-love and describe: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whLYM9o946w

and if you like that, then check out their second single, “make it”: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MHx9dZOVz4Y
 

so ends the public service announcement.

–MaNishtana

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Urban Parsha-Vaetchanan [deut 3:23-7:11]

and so welcome to our first edition of “urban parsha“.  its just like regular torah.  but ghetto.

so this week moses is all like “my bad G. i effed up. i know.  but can you please let me in the crib?”  and Gd’s like “yo moses.  you know you my dude right?  but you is going in with this israel thing, dawg.  i got like 515 voicemails from you. that ish is not cute, na mean?”  so then moses is like “but yo, how i had joseph’s back and he gets to roll up in the crib, but im getting played?”  and Gd is all “nigga plz, i know you not tryna blow up spots. cuz joseph let egypt know he was flagging straight up.  he was like ‘nah, bird-head god.  i phunks with the hebrews.’  thats whassup.”  and moses is like “aight, true dat. respect.”  then Gd’s like “look moses.  real talk?  if i let the jews come through with you to the crib, then when they start acting the fool, imma have to smoke em all, cuz i cant just tell em to bounce cuz you my dude, na mean?  look ill let you peep the crib from nebo, but tell your boy joshua to roll up with the jews later, aight?”

in other events, there was a recap of the ten commandments: “now look, i know some of yall dont know how to listen, so imma say it again.  1-i am the OG, the big G, the only G.  2-dont come this way with nonsense talking bout “imma roll with this next dude right here”. yall roll with me, ride or die. dont test me, cuz my pimp hand is strong. buhlee dat.  3-keep my name out ya mouth when you talking reckless.  4-dont roll on shabbosshomer shabbos!  5-dont be talking out your mouth to pops or ma dukes.  you seen that white boy slap his moms on dr phil?  smdh.  6-no killing.  you not that gully and i already got a dude for that.  7-be down with opp if you want. just dont be surprised that “stop, drop, and roll” doesnt work in hell.  8-dont gimme that “it was a five-finger discount” ish.  9- and also dont gimme that “what had happened was…” ish either.  i seent you, nigga.  10-dont be thinking bout how youd having some next dudes shorty open.  if she wanted a one-minute man id have given her to you from the jumpoff.”

finally, we are left with this note: “now in life, you will run up on some shady @zz cats who think they ish is sweet.  dont worry bout them. i got them.  the cal is on them, aight?  peace out.”

[good lord i think i felt brain cells die writing that.  and this is how some people speak?  for real?  cmon now, didnt what you just read seem even vaguely ridiculous?  well thats how you sound.  lets get it together black ppl.  acting black is acting black. acting ghetto is just acting stupid…

…as for “urban parsha“…hey, when something is really, truly, internally yours?  you can have a lot of fun with it.  shabbat shalom.]

–MaNishtana

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