hookers for virginity

[shoutout to julie sandurg for the title. which is actually kinda ironic, seeing how much the nt loves hookers and virgins an all…]

so, in this final installment, we’re gonna tackle the whole mashiach ben yoseph/mashiach ben david deal.

for those not i the know, there is the jewish concept of two messiahs: one descended for joseph and one from david. the concept of the joseph messiah is a purely rabbincal one, based on exegesis of zech 12:9-14

“And it shall come to pass in that day, [that] I will seek to destroy all the nations that come against Jerusalem.And I will pour upon the house of David, and upon the inhabitants of Jerusalem, the spirit of grace and of supplications: and they shall look upon me whom they have pierced, and they shall mourn for him, as one mourneth for [his] only [son], and shall be in bitterness for him, as one that is in bitterness for [his] firstborn.In that day shall there be a great mourning in Jerusalem, as the mourning of Hadadrimmon in the valley of Megiddon.And the land shall mourn, every family apart; the family of the house of David apart, and their wives apart; the family of the house of Nathan apart, and their wives apart;The family of the house of Levi apart, and their wives apart; the family of Shimei apart, and their wives apart;All the families that remain, every family apart, and their wives apart.”

ezekiel 37:15-28

“The word of the LORD came again unto me, saying,Moreover, thou son of man, take thee one stick, and write upon it, For Judah, and for the children of Israel his companions: then take another stick, and write upon it, For Joseph, the stick of Ephraim, and [for] all the house of Israel his companions:And join them one to another into one stick; and they shall become one in thine hand.And when the children of thy people shall speak unto thee, saying, Wilt thou not shew us what thou [meanest] by these?Say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will take the stick of Joseph, which [is] in the hand of Ephraim, and the tribes of Israel his fellows, and will put them with him, [even] with the stick of Judah, and make them one stick, and they shall be one in mine hand.And the sticks whereon thou writest shall be in thine hand before their eyes.And say unto them, Thus saith the Lord GOD; Behold, I will take the children of Israel from among the heathen, whither they be gone, and will gather them on every side, and bring them into their own land:And I will make them one nation in the land upon the mountains of Israel; and one king shall be king to them all: and they shall be no more two nations, neither shall they be divided into two kingdoms any more at all:Neither shall they defile themselves any more with their idols, nor with their detestable things, nor with any of their transgressions: but I will save them out of all their dwellingplaces, wherein they have sinned, and will cleanse them: so shall they be my people, and I will be their God.And David my servant [shall be] king over them; and they all shall have one shepherd: they shall also walk in my judgments, and observe my statutes, and do them.And they shall dwell in the land that I have given unto Jacob my servant, wherein your fathers have dwelt; and they shall dwell therein, [even] they, and their children, and their children’s children for ever: and my servant David [shall be] their prince for ever.Moreover I will make a covenant of peace with them; it shall be an everlasting covenant with them: and I will place them, and multiply them, and will set my sanctuary in the midst of them for evermore.My tabernacle also shall be with them: yea, I will be their God, and they shall be my people.And the heathen shall know that I the LORD do sanctify Israel, when my sanctuary shall be in the midst of them for evermore.”

obadiah 1:17-21

“But upon mount Zion shall be deliverance, and there shall be holiness; and the house of Jacob shall possess their possessions.And the house of Jacob shall be a fire, and the house of Joseph a flame, and the house of Esau for stubble, and they shall kindle in them, and devour them; and there shall not be [any] remaining of the house of Esau; for the LORD hath spoken [it].And [they of] the south shall possess the mount of Esau; and [they of] the plain the Philistines: and they shall possess the fields of Ephraim, and the fields of Samaria: and Benjamin [shall possess] Gilead.And the captivity of this host of the children of Israel [shall possess] that of the Canaanites, [even] unto Zarephath; and the captivity of Jerusalem, which [is] in Sepharad, shall possess the cities of the south.And saviours shall come up on mount Zion to judge the mount of Esau; and the kingdom shall be the LORD’S.”

…as well as numerous other talmudic sources, the basic gist of all of them being the following:

1-they are two different people from two different tribal families.

2-they live at the same time.

3-joseph messiah never takes the throne nor is he entitled to.

4-joseph messiah is a warrior

5-joseph messiah will be killed in battle and will be the first to be raised from the dead by david messiah.

6-the period of time from when joseph messiah first shows up until he is resurrected after the david messiah avenges him is very short.

7-we’re looking at a seven year span, starting with problems that get better in the sixth year, then worse again. in the seventh there’s the gog/magog wars where at joseph messiah is successful, but then he gets killed. at the end of these seven years, david messiah shows up.

8-also, the usual gamut of in-gathering exiles, rebuilding temple, establishing temple service.

many christians try to claim jc as the “messiah son of joseph” [most prolly because jc is a son of a “joseph”]. however problems abound because:

1-“son of joseph” means the tribe, not the man. in fact, this mesiah is descended from ephraim.

2-the same lineage problems exist. even moreso, since the nt goes through great lengths to prove jc comes from david, so an ephraim descent is CLEARLY waaaay out of the picture

3-jc never fought or died in a war.

4-there was no “messiah son of david” opposite number for jc

5-jc cannot come back as the david messiah, as some christians try to claim. the two messiahs are two clearly different figures. also, its kinda impossible to come back and then resurrect yourself.

6-jc, again, accomplished none of the business of beginning the process of gathering the lost tribes, rebuilding the temple or re-establishing temple service [the last two of which, again, were impossible for him to accomplish since they were still ongoing in his time and didnt cease until nearly 40 years after his death].

anyhoo, thats all i got. maybe ill come back later and expand on the dual messiahs thing, but for right now, we’re done here.

and so i bid you all adieu. it’s been real kids.

part one: blacks for slavery

part two:cows for steak

part three: diabetics for sugar

part four: amish for technology

part five: nikes for reebok

part six: muslims for pork

–MaNishtana

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muslims for pork

so there’s this great parable i heard once:

a dude is walking through a forest and he sees an arrow stuck in a tree, dead center in the middle of a bullseye. he’s impressed. as he continues through the forest he sees another bullseye. and another. and another. finally, he makes it out the forest and encounters the archer. he runs up to him and says, “that was YOU shooting all those arrows? thats amazing! how’d you make the bullseye on ALL of those shots?”  “easy,” says the archer. “i just shoot the arrow, and when it hits, i draw the bullseye around it.”

the nt is a lot like that.

there’s so many falsified, misquoted and straight up MAKE BELIEVE prophecies to prove that jc is the real deal that its insane:

“And they said unto him, In Bethlehem of Judaea: for thus it is written by the prophet,And thou Bethlehem, [in] the land of Juda, art not the least among the princes of Juda: for out of thee shall come a Governor, that shall rule my people Israel.” [matthew 2:5-6]

the claim is that jc being born in bethlehem fulfills the prophecy of micah 5:2:

“But thou, Bethlehem Ephratah, [though] thou be little among the thousands of Judah, [yet] out of thee shall he come forth unto me [that is] to be ruler in Israel; whose goings forth [have been] from of old, from everlasting.”

this is false b/c 1-“bethlehem” in micah is not a place. it is a tribal clan of judah:

“And Penuel the father of Gedor, and Ezer the father of Hushah. These [are] the sons of Hur, the firstborn of Ephratah, the father of Bethlehem.” [i chron 4:4]

hence bethlehem EPHRATAH in the original verse, which as you can see, was tailored in matthew to make it seem like the reference was to the city.

2-the verse when read IN CONTEXT refers to a military leader who will defeat the assyrians, which, of course, jc couldnt do since there werent any assyrians anymore:

“But thou, Bethlehem Ephratah, [though] thou be little among the thousands of Judah, [yet] out of thee shall he come forth unto me [that is] to be ruler in Israel; whose goings forth [have been] from of old, from everlasting.Therefore will he give them up, until the time [that] she which travaileth hath brought forth: then the remnant of his brethren shall return unto the children of Israel.And he shall stand and feed in the strength of the LORD, in the majesty of the name of the LORD his God; and they shall abide: for now shall he be great unto the ends of the earth.And this [man] shall be the peace, when the Assyrian shall come into our land: and when he shall tread in our palaces, then shall we raise against him seven shepherds, and eight principal men.And they shall waste the land of Assyria with the sword, and the land of Nimrod in the entrances thereof: thus shall he deliver [us] from the Assyrian, when he cometh into our land, and when he treadeth within our borders.” [micah 5:2-6]

“When he arose, he took the young child and his mother by night, and departed into Egypt:And was there until the death of Herod: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying, Out of Egypt have I called my son.” [matt 2:14-15]

this is supposedly a fulfillment of hosea 11:1:

“When Israel [was] a child, then I loved him, and called my son out of Egypt.”

again, the verse has been edited to fit, b/c it is clear from the actual verse that this has nothing to do with jc, but the exodus from slavery in egypt.

“Then was fulfilled that which was spoken by Jeremy the prophet, saying,In Rama was there a voice heard, lamentation, and weeping, and great mourning, Rachel weeping [for] her children, and would not be comforted, because they are not.” [matt 2:17-18]

apparently a reference to jeremiah 31:15:

“Thus saith the LORD; A voice was heard in Ramah, lamentation, [and] bitter weeping; Rahel weeping for her children refused to be comforted for her children, because they [were] not.”

however, IN CONTEXT the next two verses prove this refers to the babylonian captivity and has nothing to do with herod slaughtering babies:

“Thus saith the LORD; Refrain thy voice from weeping, and thine eyes from tears: for thy work shall be rewarded, saith the LORD; and they shall come again from the land of the enemy.And there is hope in thine end, saith the LORD, that thy children shall come again to their own border.” [jer 31:16-17]

“And he came and dwelt in a city called Nazareth: that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophets, He shall be called a Nazarene.” [matt 2:23]

where does ANYTHING say that in the ot? hint: IT DOESNT.

“All this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken by the prophet, saying,Tell ye the daughter of Sion, Behold, thy King cometh unto thee, meek, and sitting upon an ass, and a colt the foal of an ass.” [matt 21:4-5]

aside from describing jc blatantly creating a scenario just so a prophecy would be “fulfilled” this references zech 9:9:

“Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion; shout, O daughter of Jerusalem: behold, thy King cometh unto thee: he [is] just, and having salvation; lowly, and riding upon an ass, and upon a colt the foal of an ass.”

this is impossible however, since, as the next two verses continue, the figure of the verse is a military leader AND king of an earthly kingdom:

“And I will cut off the chariot from Ephraim, and the horse from Jerusalem, and the battle bow shall be cut off: and he shall speak peace unto the heathen: and his dominion [shall be] from sea [even] to sea, and from the river [even] to the ends of the earth.As for thee also, by the blood of thy covenant I have sent forth thy prisoners out of the pit wherein [is] no water.Turn you to the strong hold, ye prisoners of hope: even to day do I declare [that] I will render double unto thee;When I have bent Judah for me, filled the bow with Ephraim, and raised up thy sons, O Zion, against thy sons, O Greece, and made thee as the sword of a mighty man.”

“But how then shall the scriptures be fulfilled, that thus it must be?In that same hour said Jesus to the multitudes, Are ye come out as against a thief with swords and staves for to take me? I sat daily with you teaching in the temple, and ye laid no hold on me.But all this was done, that the scriptures of the prophets might be fulfilled. Then all the disciples forsook him, and fled.” [matt 26:54-56]

again, what prophet said this? what scripture? again: the answer is none.

“As it is written in the prophets, Behold, I send my messenger before thy face, which shall prepare thy way before thee.” [mark 1:2]

this claims to be john fulfilling the requirement that elijah will come first to announce the messiah:

“Behold, I will send my messenger, and he shall prepare the way before me: and the Lord, whom ye seek, shall suddenly come to his temple, even the messenger of the covenant, whom ye delight in: behold, he shall come, saith the LORD of hosts.” [malachi 3:1]

“Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD:” [malachi 4:5]

the problem is

1-its not elijah. its some guy named john

2-even when they asked john if was elijah, he said no. TWICE:

“And they asked him, What then? Art thou Elias? And he saith, I am not. Art thou that prophet? And he answered, No.” [john 1:21]

“And he said unto them, These [are] the words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must be fulfilled, which were written in the law of Moses, and [in] the prophets, and [in] the psalms, concerning me.Then opened he their understanding, that they might understand the scriptures,And said unto them, Thus it is written, and thus it behoved Christ to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day:” [luke 24:44-46]

yet another IMAGINARY SCRIPTURE PROPHECY

“For had ye believed Moses, ye would have believed me: for he wrote of me.” [john 5:46]

except he didnt. the ot “prophecies” are all from the prophets. the only thing moses wrote CLOSE to referring to jc is the section on prophets…which delineate why jc is a false one.

“He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water.” [john 7:38]

WHAT SCRIPTURE?????

“But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:But one of the soldiers with a spear pierced his side, and forthwith came there out blood and water.And he that saw [it] bare record, and his record is true: and he knoweth that he saith true, that ye might believe.For these things were done, that the scripture should be fulfilled, A bone of him shall not be broken.” [john 19:33-36]

1-this scripture ALSO doesnt exist.

2-it is said that this is a fulfillment of the prophecies of ex 12:46 and num 9:12. except those arent prophecies. they’re COMMANDMENTS:

“And the LORD said unto Moses and Aaron, This [is] the ordinance of the passover: There shall no stranger eat thereof:But every man’s servant that is bought for money, when thou hast circumcised him, then shall he eat thereof.A foreigner and an hired servant shall not eat thereof.In one house shall it be eaten; thou shalt not carry forth ought of the flesh abroad out of the house; neither shall ye break a bone thereof.All the congregation of Israel shall keep it.” [ex 12:43-47]

“Speak unto the children of Israel, saying, If any man of you or of your posterity shall be unclean by reason of a dead body, or [be] in a journey afar off, yet he shall keep the passover unto the LORD.The fourteenth day of the second month at even they shall keep it, [and] eat it with unleavened bread and bitter [herbs].They shall leave none of it unto the morning, nor break any bone of it: according to all the ordinances of the passover they shall keep it.” [num 9:10-12]

3-then comes the claim that jc was the paschal lamb or somesuch. the problems with that are:

a-Gd doesnt do human sacrifices [lev 18:21, 20:2-5,deut 12:31]

b-even if he DID the proper way to sacrifice a human would be to slit its throat, just like you would when sacrificing an animal [see abraham’s attempt to sacrifice isaac gen 22:7-10:

“And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here [am] I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where [is] the lamb for a burnt offering?And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.”]

jc was crucified, which is NOT a method of sacrifice, which would thereby make him “invalid” if such a thing were even allowed. also, the crucifiction ITSELF didnt kill him, but the complications from it, so if he WERE a sacrifice, he’d be an animal that died of its wounds and not directly from being sacrificed and so would STILL be invalid:

“And ye shall be holy men unto me: neither shall ye eat [any] flesh [that is] torn of beasts in the field; ye shall cast it to the dogs.” [ex 22:31]

in short, the only way for jc to actually be a paschal lamb is if his throat was slit and he was eaten immediately and in haste, as the paschal is commanded to be eaten.

“Having therefore obtained help of God, I continue unto this day, witnessing both to small and great, saying none other things than those which the prophets and Moses did say should come:That Christ should suffer, [and] that he should be the first that should rise from the dead, and should shew light unto the people, and to the Gentiles.” [acts 26:22-23]

NO. ONE. SAID. THIS. EVER. PERIOD.

[shakes head]

alright kids. just ONE more to go.

part one: blacks for slavery

part two:cows for steak

part three: diabetics for sugar

part four: amish for technology

part five: nikes for reebok

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

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On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

nikes for reebok

shout out to prodezra for the title. [who’s prodezra, you ask? well, this guy. remember the y-love video “change”? that was him.also, i was in that video. see if you can spot me.].

anyhoo.

last time we covered why jc cant be a prophet. now let’s talk about why he cant be the messiah. genetically.

as we mentioned before, the messiah is a descendent of david and solomon on his father’s side. this is impossible if, as christians claim, jc’s father was Gd.obviously this a known and important point, seeing as how both luke and matthew try to legitimize jc’s bloodline. however, as with a lot of nt things, the two genealogoies conflict with each other:

“The book of the generation of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham.Abraham begat Isaac; and Isaac begat Jacob; and Jacob begat Judas and his brethren;And Judas begat Phares and Zara of Thamar; and Phares begat Esrom; and Esrom begat Aram;And Aram begat Aminadab; and Aminadab begat Naasson; and Naasson begat Salmon;And Salmon begat Booz of Rachab; and Booz begat Obed of Ruth; and Obed begat Jesse;And Jesse begat David the king; and David the king begat Solomon of her [that had been the wife] of Urias;And Solomon begat Roboam; and Roboam begat Abia; and Abia begat Asa;And Asa begat Josaphat; and Josaphat begat Joram; and Joram begat Ozias;And Ozias begat Joatham; and Joatham begat Achaz; and Achaz begat Ezekias;And Ezekias begat Manasses; and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias;And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren, about the time they were carried away to Babylon:And after they were brought to Babylon, Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel;And Zorobabel begat Abiud; and Abiud begat Eliakim; and Eliakim begat Azor;And Azor begat Sadoc; and Sadoc begat Achim; and Achim begat Eliud;And Eliud begat Eleazar; and Eleazar begat Matthan; and Matthan begat Jacob;And Jacob begat Joseph the husband of Mary, of whom was born Jesus, who is called Christ.So all the generations from Abraham to David [are] fourteen generations; and from David until the carrying away into Babylon [are] fourteen generations; and from the carrying away into Babylon unto Christ [are] fourteen generations.” [matt 1:1-17].

“And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was [the son] of Heli,Which was [the son] of Matthat, which was [the son] of Levi, which was [the son] of Melchi, which was [the son] of Janna, which was [the son] of Joseph,Which was [the son] of Mattathias, which was [the son] of Amos, which was [the son] of Naum, which was [the son] of Esli, which was [the son] of Nagge,Which was [the son] of Maath, which was [the son] of Mattathias, which was [the son] of Semei, which was [the son] of Joseph, which was [the son] of Juda,Which was [the son] of Joanna, which was [the son] of Rhesa, which was [the son] of Zorobabel, which was [the son] of Salathiel, which was [the son] of Neri,Which was [the son] of Melchi, which was [the son] of Addi, which was [the son] of Cosam, which was [the son] of Elmodam, which was [the son] of Er,Which was [the son] of Jose, which was [the son] of Eliezer, which was [the son] of Jorim, which was [the son] of Matthat, which was [the son] of Levi,Which was [the son] of Simeon, which was [the son] of Juda, which was [the son] of Joseph, which was [the son] of Jonan, which was [the son] of Eliakim,Which was [the son] of Melea, which was [the son] of Menan, which was [the son] of Mattatha, which was [the son] of Nathan, which was [the son] of David,Which was [the son] of Jesse, which was [the son] of Obed, which was [the son] of Booz, which was [the son] of Salmon, which was [the son] of Naasson,Which was [the son] of Aminadab, which was [the son] of Aram, which was [the son] of Esrom, which was [the son] of Phares, which was [the son] of Juda,Which was [the son] of Jacob, which was [the son] of Isaac, which was [the son] of Abraham, which was [the son] of Thara, which was [the son] of Nachor,Which was [the son] of Saruch, which was [the son] of Ragau, which was [the son] of Phalec, which was [the son] of Heber, which was [the son] of Sala,Which was [the son] of Cainan, which was [the son] of Arphaxad, which was [the son] of Sem, which was [the son] of Noe, which was [the son] of Lamech,Which was [the son] of Mathusala, which was [the son] of Enoch, which was [the son] of Jared, which was [the son] of Maleleel, which was [the son] of Cainan,Which was [the son] of Enos, which was [the son] of Seth, which was [the son] of Adam, which was [the son] of God.” [luke 3:23-38]

now the typical christian response is that the genealogy in matthew’s is joseph’s and the one in luke is mary’s. however, there is completely no basis for this in the text as the geneology in luke specifically states “And Jesus himself began to be about thirty years of age, being (as was supposed) the son of Joseph, which was [the son] of Heli,Which was [the son] of Matthat…” where exactly does mary fit in there? and what example has there been EVER of a woman’s genealogy being expressed under the name of her husband, as some christians will claim?

aside from the obvious discrepancies [joseph is the son of jacob according to matthew, but the son of heli according to luke, matthew tells us there are exactly three sets of 14 generations from abraham to jc but both the ot AND luke genealogy clearly reveal that matthew leaves out several generations in his listing], lets deal with the ones directly affecting jc’s claims to messiahhood:

1-joseph has a cursed king in his line. BAM! money shot. that’s right:

“and Manasses begat Amon; and Amon begat Josias;And Josias begat Jechonias and his brethren” [matt 1:10-11]

the problem is…:

“[As] I live, saith the LORD, though Coniah the son of Jehoiakim king of Judah were the signet upon my right hand, yet would I pluck thee thence;…[Is] this man Coniah a despised broken idol? [is he] a vessel wherein [is] no pleasure? wherefore are they cast out, he and his seed, and are cast into a land which they know not?O earth, earth, earth, hear the word of the LORD.Thus saith the LORD, Write ye this man childless, a man [that] shall not prosper in his days: for no man of his seed shall prosper, sitting upon the throne of David, and ruling any more in Judah.”[jer 22:24,28-30]

firstly, just to clarify, matthew executes a little bit of [deliberate?] confusion by omitting jehoakim btw josiah and jeconiah. [i.e., josiah is the father of jehoakim, and JEHOAKIM is the father of jeconiah]. however, jeconiah/coniah is indeed the same coniah of the jeremiah verse above who reigned in judah “about the time they were carried away to Babylon”. [see all of these 1st Chronicles 3:15-19, 2nd Kings 24:6-17, Esther 2:6, Jer 22:24-30, 24:1, 27:20, 37:1.]

at any rate, the whole “no man of his seed shall prosper…ruling in judah” bit is pretty definitive. if jc is tracing his lineage through joseph, then he’s got not shot at all of being the messiah on account of the curse.

2-jc is adopted. christians try to have their cake and eat it too with this one. the claim is that since jc’s father is Gd and he was only ADOPTED by joseph, he is therefore exempt from the curse, since the curse is on jeconiah’s “seed”…which likewise mean he CAN’T claim descendancy from david either because…:

“And when thy days be fulfilled, and thou shalt sleep with thy fathers, I will set up thy seed after thee, which shall proceed out of thy bowels, and I will establish his kingdom.He shall build an house for my name, and I will establish the throne of his kingdom for ever.” [2 sam 7:12-23]

so if jc is capable of inheriting joseph’s line, then he also inherits the curse. if he is not capable of inherting the line b/c he is not “seed”, then he has no claim to being a descendant of david and thus cannot claim to be the messiah.

3-even if the genealogy in luke is mary’s, she’s a woman and cant pass on tribal affiliation. tribal affiliations are counted through paternal lines:

“And they assembled all the congregation together on the first [day] of the second month, and they declared their pedigrees after their families, by the house of their fathers, according to the number of the names, from twenty years old and upward, by their polls.” [num 1:18 see also ex 28:4,29:9-30,30:30,40:15, num 36, gen 49:10,1 kings 11:4,1 chronicles 17:11-19].

a more practical example of such is when queen athaliah wants to annihilate david’s royal line. [2 kings 11, 2 chron 22] she only kills the males. why? b/c female descendant can’t pass on the claim to the throne.

4-now even if mary COULD pass on the lineage to david, she’s descended from the wrong son. the line of the messiah goes through david AND solomon:

“Behold, a son shall be born to thee, who shall be a man of rest; and I will give him rest from all his enemies round about: for his name shall be Solomon, and I will give peace and quietness unto Israel in his days.He shall build an house for my name; and he shall be my son, and I [will be] his father; and I will establish the throne of his kingdom over Israel for ever.” [1 chron 22:9-10]

but mary is descended from david’s son nathan.

“which was [the son] of Nathan, which was [the son] of David”

[also note that Gd calls solomon his “son” even though solomon was physically born of david and bathsheba, thereby debunking any christian claims that any bible verses referring to Gd saying someone is his son is a prophecy for jc or means that he actually PHYSICALLY fathers them.]

and if THAT isn’t enough, take a look at that luke genealogy again:

“which was [the son] of Zorobabel, which was [the son] of Salathiel”

look! it’s zerubabel and salathiel, those same two blokes from matthew….:

“Jechonias begat Salathiel; and Salathiel begat Zorobabel”

which means–THAT’S RIGHT!–mary is ALSO descended from the cursed jeconiah. and once again, if she is able to pass down the lineage, then that means she’s also passing that pesky curse too.

alrighty then. we’re almost done.

part one: blacks for slavery

part two:cows for steak

part three: diabetics for sugar

part four: amish for technology

–MaNishtana

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like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

amish for technology

shoutout to abe adler for the title.

so. let’s step back for a second and step onto a different track. its obvious that jews arent gonna accept jc as the messiah. but why not as a regular ol’ prophet? throw a guy a bone, right?

after all, dont christians point to deut 18:18-19 as referring to jc?:

“I will raise them up a Prophet from among their brethren, like unto thee, and will put my words in his mouth; and he shall speak unto them all that I shall command him.And it shall come to pass, [that] whosoever will not hearken unto my words which he shall speak in my name, I will require [it] of him.”

who else could this be speaking of but jc, right? and according to this Gd HIMSELF requires that we listen, right?

well actually, the purpose of this verse is to establish the authenticity of ANY prophet who came after moses. if, as christianity insists, it refers solely to jc, then what basis do we have for listening to elijah, isaiah, zechariah, and all the rest of the prophets? and even IF it WERE referring to jc, jc still would not be the end all and be all of judaism, so says this bit over in deut 34:10:

“And there arose not a prophet since in Israel like unto Moses, whom the LORD knew face to face”

so, clearly, jc, just like ALL prophets, would’ve been a prophet of a lesser stature than moses. but still, why dont jews at least accept jc as a prophet? well let’s look at deut 18:18-19 again. this time in that ever so pesky and inconvenient thing called “context”:

“I will raise them up a Prophet from among their brethren, like unto thee, and will put my words in his mouth; and he shall speak unto them all that I shall command him.And it shall come to pass, [that] whosoever will not hearken unto my words which he shall speak in my name, I will require [it] of him.But the prophet, which shall presume to speak a word in my name, which I have not commanded him to speak, or that shall speak in the name of other gods, even that prophet shall die.And if thou say in thine heart, How shall we know the word which the LORD hath not spoken?When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that [is] the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, [but] the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him.” [deut 18:18-22].

so there you have it. jews dont accept jc as any other kind of prophet than a false one. what? whats that you say? name one time jc prophesized in the name of other gods? or said something falsely in the Lrd’s name? ill do you one better. find me one time–just ONE–where jc actually USES Gd’s name to prophesize.

every other prophet EVER always starts their prophecies with “thus saith the Lrd”.

jc?

“verily I say unto thee”.

how could jc be a prophet of Gd if he NEVER, EVER SPOKE IN GD’S NAME??? that would just make him some guy talking. some might even say “presumptuously”.

but let’s, for a second, agree that jc IS speaking in Gds name. remember that “if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that [is] the thing which the LORD hath not spoken…thou shalt not be afraid of him” part? well jc seems to do a lot of that:

“And as he went out of the temple, one of his disciples saith unto him, Master, see what manner of stones and what buildings [are here]!And Jesus answering said unto him, Seest thou these great buildings? there shall not be left one stone upon another, that shall not be thrown down.” [mark 13:1-2].

as any tourist who’s every LOOKED at a brochure for israel can tell you, the western wall of the second temple is still standing long and strong. has been for over two thousand years.amazing thing for a place that sees more bombings than an ashley simspon tour. #prophecyfail.

“But take ye heed: behold, I have foretold you all things.But in those days, after that tribulation, the sun shall be darkened, and the moon shall not give her light,And the stars of heaven shall fall, and the powers that are in heaven shall be shaken.And then shall they see the Son of man coming in the clouds with great power and glory.And then shall he send his angels, and shall gather together his elect from the four winds, from the uttermost part of the earth to the uttermost part of heaven.Now learn a parable of the fig tree; When her branch is yet tender, and putteth forth leaves, ye know that summer is near:So ye in like manner, when ye shall see these things come to pass, know that it is nigh, [even] at the doors.Verily I say unto you, that this generation shall not pass, till all these things be done.” [mark 13:23-30]

um, yeah. again with the two thousand years and counting. also, that generation is deader than tom cruise’s respectability. #prophecyfail

jc tells peter he’s gonna betray him 3 times before the [*snicker*] cock crows:

“Jesus said unto him, Verily I say unto thee, That this night, before the cock crow, thou shalt deny me thrice.” [matt26:34]

“And he said, I tell thee, Peter, the cock shall not crow this day, before that thou shalt thrice deny that thou knowest me.” [luke 22:34]

but go over to mark 14:66-72:

“And as Peter was beneath in the palace, there cometh one of the maids of the high priest:And when she saw Peter warming himself, she looked upon him, and said, And thou also wast with Jesus of Nazareth.But he denied, saying, I know not, neither understand I what thou sayest. And he went out into the porch; and the cock crew.And a maid saw him again, and began to say to them that stood by, This is [one] of them.And he denied it again. And a little after, they that stood by said again to Peter, Surely thou art [one] of them: for thou art a Galilaean, and thy speech agreeth [thereto].But he began to curse and to swear, [saying], I know not this man of whom ye speak.And the second time the cock crew. And Peter called to mind the word that Jesus said unto him, Before the cock crow twice, thou shalt deny me thrice. And when he thought thereon, he wept.”

not only does the [*snicker*] cock crow after peter denies him ONCE, the prophecy also gets also edited so that all of a sudden it reads “before the cock crow TWICE”. #cockfail

and let’s not forget the new testament version of the money shot: the resurrection prophecy.

“Then certain of the scribes and of the Pharisees answered, saying, Master, we would see a sign from thee.But he answered and said unto them, An evil and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign; and there shall no sign be given to it, but the sign of the prophet Jonas:For as Jonas was three days and three nights in the whale’s belly; so shall the Son of man be three days and three nights in the heart of the earth.” [matt 12:38-40]

this one is chock full of #prophecyfail.

jc was crucified and buried on a friday:

“The Jews therefore, because it was the preparation, that the bodies should not remain upon the cross on the sabbath day, (for that sabbath day was an high day,) besought Pilate that their legs might be broken, and [that] they might be taken away.Then came the soldiers, and brake the legs of the first, and of the other which was crucified with him.But when they came to Jesus, and saw that he was dead already, they brake not his legs:” [john 19:30-33]

“And that day was the preparation, and the sabbath drew on.And the women also, which came with him from Galilee, followed after, and beheld the sepulchre, and how his body was laid.And they returned, and prepared spices and ointments; and rested the sabbath day according to the commandment.” [luke 24:54-56]

[remember now, this is pre-constantine, so the christian sunday sabbath doesn’t exist yet]

however, jc arises on SUNDAY:

“In the end of the sabbath, as it began to dawn toward the first [day] of the week, came Mary Magdalene and the other Mary to see the sepulchre.And, behold, there was a great earthquake: for the angel of the Lord descended from heaven, and came and rolled back the stone from the door, and sat upon it.” [matt 28:1-2]

“And when the sabbath was past, Mary Magdalene, and Mary the [mother] of James, and Salome, had bought sweet spices, that they might come and anoint him.And very early in the morning the first [day] of the week, they came unto the sepulchre at the rising of the sun.And they said among themselves, Who shall roll us away the stone from the door of the sepulchre?And when they looked, they saw that the stone was rolled away: for it was very great.” [mark 16:1-4]

again, this is jewish sabbath still. so the first day of the week would be sunday…meaning jc was “in the belly of the earth” for friday night, saturday morning, saturday night, and not even sunday morning since he’s apparently gone before dawn on sunday. thats not “three days and three nights”. thats TWO nights tops, and ONE day. even if you count that itty bitty part of sunday, at most its TWO days and TWO nights.

also, when exactly did jc say he would rise again?

mark 8:31 says AFTER the third day:

“And he began to teach them, that the Son of man must suffer many things, and be rejected of the elders, and [of] the chief priests, and scribes, and be killed, and after three days rise again.”

but matthew 17:22-23 says ON the third day:

“And while they abode in Galilee, Jesus said unto them, The Son of man shall be betrayed into the hands of men:And they shall kill him, and the third day he shall be raised again. And they were exceeding sorry.”

so which is it? if i tell you i’ll meet you AFTER wednesday, its very different from saying i’ll meet you ON wednesday. hedging our bets are we?

also, what does all this resurrection fudging do to the christian belief?? after all:

“But if there be no resurrection of the dead, then is Christ not risen:And if Christ be not risen, then [is] our preaching vain, and your faith [is] also vain.” [1 cor 15:13-14]

but he OBVIOUSLY rose, you say. which is the problem: YOU say. the point of jc’s resurrection was to be a sign to the PHARISEES remember? and he never appeared to them after his resurrection. only to his followers. who are OBVIOUSLY gonna say he rose.

for ppl who weren’t jewish “anymore”, they sure knew how to run a scam.

so, you might ask, if jc was such a false prophet and such, how was he able to perform miracles? after all, thats what the ppl asked back in his time as well:

“Therefore said some of the Pharisees, This man is not of God, because he keepeth not the sabbath day. Others said, How can a man that is a sinner do such miracles? And there was a division among them.” [john 9:16]

the answer of course being in deut 13:1-5:

“If there arise among you a prophet, or a dreamer of dreams, and giveth thee a sign or a wonder,And the sign or the wonder come to pass, whereof he spake unto thee, saying, Let us go after other gods, which thou hast not known, and let us serve them;Thou shalt not hearken unto the words of that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams: for the LORD your God proveth you, to know whether ye love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul.Ye shall walk after the LORD your God, and fear him, and keep his commandments, and obey his voice, and ye shall serve him, and cleave unto him.And that prophet, or that dreamer of dreams, shall be put to death; because he hath spoken to turn [you] away from the LORD your God, which brought you out of the land of Egypt, and redeemed you out of the house of bondage, to thrust thee out of the way which the LORD thy God commanded thee to walk in. So shalt thou put the evil away from the midst of thee.”

alright. digest it. we’ll meet back here for sunday. or after it.

part one: blacks for slavery

part two:cows for steak

part three: diabetics for sugar

–MaNishtana

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diabetics for sugar

aaaaaand we’re back!

so, another contention on the whole jc/christian thought deal is the concept of a “new” testament, which is based on jeremiah 31:31-37 [30-36 for us jew types]:

“Behold, the days come, saith the LORD, that I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel, and with the house of Judah:Not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day [that] I took them by the hand to bring them out of the land of Egypt; which my covenant they brake, although I was an husband unto them, saith the LORD:But this [shall be] the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel; After those days, saith the LORD, I will put my law in their inward parts, and write it in their hearts; and will be their God, and they shall be my people.And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the LORD: for they shall all know me, from the least of them unto the greatest of them, saith the LORD: for I will forgive their iniquity, and I will remember their sin no more.Thus saith the LORD, which giveth the sun for a light by day, [and] the ordinances of the moon and of the stars for a light by night, which divideth the sea when the waves thereof roar; The LORD of hosts [is] his name:If those ordinances depart from before me, saith the LORD, [then] the seed of Israel also shall cease from being a nation before me for ever.Thus saith the LORD; If heaven above can be measured, and the foundations of the earth searched out beneath, I will also cast off all the seed of Israel for all that they have done, saith the LORD.”

this idea of a “new testament” is then reinforced by hebrews 8:6-13 in the nt:

“But now hath he obtained a more excellent ministry, by how much also he is the mediator of a better covenant, which was established upon better promises.For if that first [covenant] had been faultless, then should no place have been sought for the second.For finding fault with them, he saith, Behold, the days come, saith the Lord, when I will make a new covenant with the house of Israel and with the house of Judah:Not according to the covenant that I made with their fathers in the day when I took them by the hand to lead them out of the land of Egypt; because they continued not in my covenant, and I regarded them not, saith the Lord.For this [is] the covenant that I will make with the house of Israel after those days, saith the Lord; I will put my laws into their mind, and write them in their hearts: and I will be to them a God, and they shall be to me a people:And they shall not teach every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the Lord: for all shall know me, from the least to the greatest.For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more.In that he saith, A new [covenant], he hath made the first old. Now that which decayeth and waxeth old [is] ready to vanish away.”

anyone catch those bits of editing to the original jeremiah verse in there? good. somehow “i was a  husband” turns into “i regarded them not”. anyhoo, this is the basis for the christian claim the the ot is no longer applicable. now lets get into it.

1-YES. both christians AND jews agree this is a messianic prophecy. which is where the first problem arises. jeremiah states that this new covenant will be made with “the house of israel and the house of judah”. however, at the time of jc, there was no “house of israel” anymore. it had gone into exile already. [ironically as a result of the prophecy over in isaiah 7:14-16. remember THAT?] so if the house of israel was no more, how could the christian new testament be the upgrade if this new covenant is supposed to be made with BOTH houses?  clearly this is an event that has yet to happen. meaning the new testament isnt the real mccoy. the jewish interpretation of this verse is that this new covenant will be “written in their hearts”, i.e., an integral part of israel, completely ingrained into them.

2-“And they shall teach no more every man his neighbour, and every man his brother, saying, Know the LORD: for they shall all know me”. this verse states that at the time of this new covenant EVERYONE will know who Gd is. the sheer fact that there are christian missionaries who try to bring knowledge of “the savior” to ppl, heck, the fact that this post even EXISTS is proof of the fact that this has ALSO not been accomplished. is there a universal Gd that everyone acknowledges? nope. so then what does that do to the christian new testament? [btw also note that this verse contains two of those messianic requirements: the idea of universal belief and the ingathering of exiles back to israel, neither of which were accomplished by jc]

3-also, the verse in jeremiah states that there will be a new COVENANT. not a new LAW. the COVENANT that was broken btw Gd and the jews was the AGREEMENT that they would follow the LAW. because thats what a covenant is:

COVENANT

–noun

1.

an agreement, usually formal, between two or more persons to do or not do something specified.

so since the old agreement was violated, a new one is necessary. not like the one “of their fathers” which was broken multiple times. think of it as Gds lawyers suing israel for being in breach of contract, not drawing up new agreements for an entirely different scenario.

4-if the new testament is supposed to supplant the old one, then that means that Gd is either a liar or not omniscient, b/c  there are several ot laws described as “forever”, “eternal” and “for all your generations”. if he KNEW at sinai that he was going to send his kid down in a little over a  millennium to change everything up, then WHY would he say they were eternal when he knew he’d change them? that would make him a liar. and if Gd didn’t know he was going to change the laws later and so mistakenly called some of these laws “forever”, then ur saying that Gd is imperfect. why else would he have all these eternal laws then?

things like the passover sacrifice [ex 12:14]

“And this day shall be unto you for a memorial, and ye shall keep it a feast to the LORD; throughout your generations ye shall keep it a feast by an ordinance for ever.”

passover in GENERAL [ex 12:17, 12:43]

“And ye shall observe the feast of unleavened bread; for in this selfsame day have I brought your hosts out of the land of Egypt; therefore shall ye observe this day throughout your generations by an ordinance for ever.”

“It [is] a night to be much observed unto the LORD for bringing them out from the land of Egypt: this [is] that night of the LORD to be observed of all the children of Israel in their generations.”

celebrating yom kippur [lev 16:29,31,34/23:31]

“And [this] shall be a statute for ever unto you: [that] in the seventh month, on the tenth [day] of the month, ye shall afflict your souls, and do no work at all, [whether it be] one of your own country, or a stranger that sojourneth among you:”

“It [shall be] a sabbath of rest unto you, and ye shall afflict your souls, by a statute for ever.”

“And this shall be an everlasting statute unto you, to make an atonement for the children of Israel for all their sins once a year. And he did as the LORD commanded Moses.”

“Ye shall do no manner of work: [it shall be] a statute for ever throughout your generations in all your dwellings.”

celebrating shavuot [festival of weeks] [lev 23:14,21]

“And ye shall eat neither bread, nor parched corn, nor green ears, until the selfsame day that ye have brought an offering unto your God: [it shall be] a statute for ever throughout your generations in all your dwellings.”

“And ye shall proclaim on the selfsame day, [that] it may be an holy convocation unto you: ye shall do no servile work [therein: it shall be] a statute for ever in all your dwellings throughout your generations.”

celebrating sukkot [festival of booths] [lev 23:41]

“And ye shall keep it a feast unto the LORD seven days in the year. [It shall be] a statute for ever in your generations: ye shall celebrate it in the seventh month.”

and dont forget the other 14 times in ex  27:21, 28:43, lev 3:17, 7:36, 10:9,17:7, 24:3, num 10:8, 15:15, 19:10, 19:21, 18:23, 35:29, deut 29:28.

now, look, this is what the definition of eternal and forever is for us mere MORTALS:

ETERNAL

–adjective

1.

without beginning or end; lasting forever; always existing (opposed to temporal): eternal life.
2.

perpetual; ceaseless; endless: eternal quarreling; eternal chatter.
3.

enduring; immutable: eternal principles.
4.

Metaphysics. existing outside all relations of time; not subject to change.
FOREVER
–adverb

1.

without ever ending; eternally: to last forever.
2.

continually; incessantly; always: He’s forever complaining.
get it? got it? good. now keep in mind that we’re talking about GD here. so HIS definition of eternal is prolly best expressed by the following equation:
eternal(eternal+forever) * eternal(eternal*infinity%)= still not even close puny humans
[and so ur prolly thinking, “but wait, arent there a BUNCH of laws you jews dont do any more? how does that work if theyre ETERNAL, huh??”
and the difference is, jews dont think these laws DONT APPLY, its just that we’re UNABLE to do them under the present conditions. if there’s no altar, how can we keep a fire burning on it? see?
think of it like a class where the professor wants a double-spaced, typed paper and you only have access to looseleaf and a pencil. you cant hand in a handwritten paper b/c the professor wont accept it, but that DOESNT mean the paper doesnt apply anymore.
so for us, those kinda laws are just TEMPORARILY dormant. but they still EXIST.]
5-coming back to hebrews 8:6,7, it seems to imply that the original law was imperfect and too hard and 8:13 says that it has decayed and wasted away. but again, the sentiment is that it was imperfect. which flies in the face of psalms 19:7:
“The law of the LORD [is] perfect, converting the soul: the testimony of the LORD [is] sure, making wise the simple.”
if Gd’s law is perfect, then there’s no need for a new one.
alright. lets break and eat. recess
[smacks gavel]

part one: blacks for slavery

part two: cows for steak

–MaNishtana

On Twitter: http://twitter.com/MaNishtana

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On Cafepress.com: http://www.cafepress.com/MaNishtanaStore

On Jewcy: http://www.jewcy.com/user/17504/manishtana

like what you’ve read? go to the upper right corner and donate! or subscribe! or donate!

cows for steak

[and before you ask, yes, i do intend for each of these blog titles to be just as oxymoronic as “jews for jesus”].

so, today, we’re gonna jump into the largest of the shark-infested waters: the claim of jc’s being born of a virgin. [sidenote: the idea that jc was born of a virgin is NOT the concept of “immaculate conception”. “immaculate conception” is actually the idea that mary was born without sin. the claim that JC was born of a virgin is called, fittingly enough, “virgin birth”.]

anyhoo. a lil history lesson. at the council of nicea back 325 ad, HUNDREDS of gospels were candidates in the forming of the new testament. but constantine [who by the way was a lifelong pagan] was no idiot. he knew the best way to disseminate this new religion through rome was to give the masses something really similar to the olympians they were already used to. and so any gospel that didnt play up, or even in some cases, completely denied jc having any miraculous divinity, were kicked to the side. and so: virgin birth.

the virgin birth concept is based on and “proven” by matthew 1:22-23:

Now all this was done, that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Lord by the prophet, saying,Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us.”

the “prophet” in said verse is said to be isaiah, as shown in isaiah 7:14:

“Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.”

well.

seems pretty open and shut, right? right there in black and white? so whats the problem jews have with it?

well the problem jews have with this verse…is that thats NOT what the verse actually says. now, right now you’ve prolly just pulled out ur king james bible and are looking at the verse and thinking i’m crazy right? except, you see, the original language of isaiah is hebrew. which most jews during jc’s time couldnt read. but they could read greek. which, funnily enough, the old testament had happened to have been translated into at the time. [and btw, king james is english. translated from latin. translated from greek. translated from hebrew. so, naturally, a real pinnacle of authenticity.]

what the line ACTUALLY says is this:

“Therefore the Lord Himself shall give you a sign: behold, the young woman is with child, and will bear a son, and she shall call his name Immanuel.”

and now, to the best of my ability, i will try to convey, solely in english, the nuances and specificity of the hebrew. i urge everyone to look at the original text–IN THE ORIGINAL LANGUAGE–on their own when they get a chance.

1-hebrew, especially biblical hebrew, is pretty specific. the word for “virgin” is “betulah”. you can find said word and its conjugations [virginal,virginity,etc] in exodus 22:15-16, lev 21:3, deut 22:14-20 and pretty much ANYWHERE in the ENTIRE old testament when a virgin is even LOOKED at crosswise.  such as every OTHER time isaiah talks about virgins [23:4,12, 37:22, 47:1, 62:5].

the word in isaiah 7:14, however, is “almah”, which just means “young woman”. the same way the male version of the noun, “elem”, means “young man”. the issue is being of baby-making age, not the state of virginity. the “virgin” problem arises once “alma” was translated into greek as “parthenos”, “parthenos” ALSO meaning young woman, but with the connotations of virginity. and it all went downhill from there.

whats that you say? you remember that jews have some fast connected to commemorating when 70 of their rabbis had to translate the torah into greek for king ptolemy? and ur saying that since the rabbis themselves used a word that might be construed to mean virgin thereby proves that “almah” can also mean virgin?

excellent thinking. except for the fact that only the FIVE BOOKS OF MOSES were translated from hebrew into greek by the rabbis. or by jewish sources AT ALL actually. the rest of the ot was translated, usually poorly, by hacks and self-imagined scholars on hebrew.

besides, if  “almah” was already understood to mean “virgin”, then why would the ot have to tell us that rebecca was an “almah” [gen 24:43] AND a “betulah” [gen 24:16]? and seeing how the word “betulah” is used 50 times in the ot to mean virgin [9 times in the five books, 41 times everywhere else], its OBVIOUSLY the word to use when discussing v-cards.

2-if you’ve notcied, the king james reads “A virgin”. the hebrew reads “THE young woman”. note the use of the definite article. isaiah is speaking of a SPECIFIC female known both to himself and his audience [who, btw, is king ahaz of judah]. the young woman in question, also just so happens to be isaiah’s wife, who was with child, which, btw, brings us to…

3-the woman in isaiah’s prophecy, aside from being present, is ALREADY WITH CHILD. “the young woman is WITH CHILD, and she will bear a son”. the word used–“harah”–exists in the ot as both a verb and a noun. as a verb its used to describe BEING pregnant [as well as other forms of ACTIVELY carrying something you’ve conceived, such as an idea]. as a noun “harah” means a PRESENTLY pregnant woman.

4-the claim that 7:14 refers to jc being born makes absolutely no sense in the context of the rest of the chapter. here take a look:

“And it came to pass in the days of Ahaz the son of Jotham, the son of Uzziah, king of Judah, that Rezin the king of Aram, and Pekah the son of Remaliah, king of Israel, went up to Jerusalem to war against it; but could not prevail against it.And it was told the house of David, saying: ‘Aram is confederate with Ephraim.’ And his heart was moved, and the heart of his people, as the trees of the forest are moved with the wind.” [is 7:1-2]

summary: king rezin of aram  and king pekah of israel are attacking king ahaz of judah. ahaz is scared.

“Then said the LORD unto Isaiah: ‘Go forth now to meet Ahaz, thou, and Shear-jashub thy son, at the end of the conduit of the upper pool, in the highway of the fullers’ field;and say unto him: Keep calm, and be quiet; fear not, neither let thy heart be faint, because of these two tails of smoking firebrands, for the fierce anger of Rezin and Aram, and of the son of Remaliah.Because Aram hath counselled evil against thee, Ephraim also, and the son of Remaliah, saying:Let us go up against Judah, and vex it, and let us make a breach therein for us, and set up a king in the midst of it, even the son of Tabeel;thus saith the Lord GOD: It shall not stand, neither shall it come to pass.For the head of Aram is Damascus, and the head of Damascus is Rezin; and within threescore and five years shall Ephraim be broken, that it be not a people;And the head of Ephraim is Samaria, and the head of Samaria is Remaliah’s son. If ye will not have faith, surely ye shall not be established.'” [is 7:3-9]

summary: Gd says to isaiah, “yo, go over to ahaz and tell him to chill. rezin and pekah aint about ish.”

“And the LORD spoke again unto Ahaz, saying:’Ask thee a sign of the LORD thy God: ask it either in the depth, or in the height above.’But Ahaz said: ‘I will not ask, neither will I try the LORD.’And he said: ‘Hear ye now, O house of David: Is it a small thing for you to weary men, that ye will weary my God also?” [is 7:10-13]

summary: isaiah’s like “calm down ahaz. Gd’s got ur back. pick a sign that he’s got you, and you’ve got it.” ahaz says “nah, i dont wanna bother him”. isaiah says “nigga plz”.

now what sounds more plausible in this narrative? that isaiah says “the kid that my wife is carrying RIGHT NOW will be a sign for you that you dont need to worry about these two kings”…OR…”you dont need to worry about these two kings because in seven and a half centuries a virgin will give birth to a child”?

5-why does everyone FORGET that isaiah KEEPS TALKING about the child born in 7:14 for ANOTHER TWO VERSES?

“Curd and honey shall he eat, when he knoweth to refuse the evil, and choose the good.Yea, before the child shall know to refuse the evil, and choose the good, the land whose two kings thou hast a horror of shall be forsaken.” [is 7:15-16]

since everyone is apparently of the mind that jc is the child who will be named immanuel [even tho there is NO record of him being called by that name by his parents anywhere in the new testament], this raises some huge questions if this verse is to be seen as referring ONLY to jc:

a-which two kingdoms were abandoned during jc’s lifetime?

b-where’s the story about jc eating curds and honey?

c-if jc was born w/o sin and was completely sinless in life, there wouldnt be any reason for him to HAVE to know or learn the difference btw refusing evil and choosing good.

d-if you say this was a “double prophecy” or something so that it makes sense in context and STILL refers to jc, then who was the FIRST virgin who gave birth to a child? doesnt that mean that neither mary OR jc are anything special then?

6-note again the orginal verse: “and SHE shall call his name immanuel.” where do we ever see mary call jc immanuel? thats the only way for this “prophecy” to actually be “fulfilled”: the virgin who gives birth to this child has to call him immanuel too. and that doesnt happen with jc. it doesnt matter how many OTHER ppl say or reference him by that name. the verse clearly states the criteria. it has to be MARY who does it. and she never does.

[so, you might ask, who IS the immanuel child, huh? cuz i dont see him anywhere in the old testament. well if you head over to is 8:3:

“And I went unto the prophetess; and she conceived, and bore a son. Then said the LORD unto me: ‘Call his name Maher-shalal-hashbaz.”

the “prophetess” being the same as the “young woman” from 7:14, his wife. whats that you say? THIS kid isnt called immanuel either? well, we dont know that. we’re only told what his FATHER called him: maher-shalal-hashbaz. we’re never told what his mom called him. altho it was not uncommon practice for fathers and mothers to call their kids by different names. take a look at jacob and rebecca, for instance:

“And it came to pass, as her soul was in departing–for she died–that she called his name Ben-oni; but his father called him Benjamin.” [gen 35:18]

well then how do we know that maher is immanuel? answer: b/c just like ahaz’s enemies being defeated before immanuel is old enough to know btw good and evil, maher’s deal is…

“For before the child shall have knowledge to cry: My father, and: My mother, the riches of Damascus and the spoil of Samaria shall be carried away before the king of Assyria.'” [is 8:4]

damascus and samaria,btw, being the kingdoms of aram and israel.]

*whew*

and we’re done here. until tomorrow.

part one: blacks for slavery

–MaNishtana

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blacks for slavery

so apparently on may 19 [1st day of shavuot for you jew types], moishe rosen, founder of “jews for jesus” died.

hmph.

“jews for jesus”, huh? dont you just mean “christians”? cuz thats what the original christians were: practising jews who followed jc. after all it wasnt until constantine and rome got in on the action at the council of nicea that the jewish messianic cult got paganized into the religion that is the christianity of today. [ironically enough, the descendants of the ACTUAL twelve disciples were excommunicated from the church for not being “christian” enough. NEW christian, that is. interesting, no?]

at any rate, whats the problem jews have with jc anyway? And the whole “new testament” deal? well kids, thats what we’re gonna be talking about all week long, in utter disrespect of all the damage mr rosen has done. but just to catch us up to speed, here, in broad strokes, is why jews dont do the whole “son of gd” deal. [we’ll get into more detail as the week progresses].

1-talk to any hardcore christian and they’ll say that jesus fulfilled like, a billion old testament prophecies. like riding on a donkey (zech 9:9) or that he’d be born in bethlehem (micah 5:2). firstly, those aren’t messianic prophecies. why not? b/c ANYONE can do them. if i ride on a donkey, have i now fulfilled some prophecy that i’m the messiah? what if i take my pregnant wife to bethlehem just so my son can be born there? is he now a fulfiller of the prophecy?

there are only FOUR SPECIFIC messianic prophecies:

a–the messiah will gather all jews back to israel:

“Fear not, for I am with thee; I will bring thy seed from the east, and gather thee from the west; I will say to the north: ‘Give up,’ and to the south: ‘Keep not back, bring My sons from far, and My daughters from the end of the earth; “ (isa 43:5-6)

b–usher an age of world peace:

“And He shall judge between the nations, and shall decide for many peoples; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruninghooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war any more.” (isa 2:4)

c–spread universal knowledge of the Gd of israel:

“And the LORD shall be King over all the earth; in that day shall the LORD be One, and His name one.” (zech 14:9)

d-build the third temple:

“Moreover I will make a covenant of peace with them–it shall be an everlasting covenant with them; and I will establish them, and multiply them, and will set My sanctuary in the midst of them for ever. My dwelling-place also shall be over them; and I will be their God, and they shall be My people. And the nations shall know that I am the LORD that sanctify Israel, when My sanctuary shall be in the midst of them for ever.” (ez 37:26-28)

clearly, NONE of these have happened. in fact, the last of those is actually IMPOSSIBLE to have been fulfilled, seeing as how the second temple was still standing during jc’s concert tour.

“but—but, he fulfilled all those OTHER prophecies! How can you ignore that??”

easy.

imagine you’re a student in a college class. you’ve failed said class. you ask the professor why. the professor reminds you that the midterm was 25% of ur grade, the final was 25%, and two term papers were 50%. you didnt do any of them. but, you say, you DID do all the readings and participated in class and did all the homework and helped the professor tidy up the room and take his stuff back to his office for him everyday. which is great. and ur a really swell guy. but that isn’t what ur grade was based on. its based on those things that you did none of.

“but—but, there’s the second coming!”

yeh…much like that class again…the point is to get things done the FIRST time around…

2-the messiah is supposed to be a descendant of david…which is impossible if your dad is GD.

“And there shall come forth a shoot out of the stock of Jesse, and a twig shall grow forth out of his roots. And the spirit of the LORD shall rest upon him, the spirit of wisdom and understanding, the spirit of counsel and might, the spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the LORD. And his delight shall be in the fear of the LORD; and he shall not judge after the sight of his eyes, neither decide after the hearing of his ears; “ (isa 11:1-3)

“The sceptre shall not depart from Judah, nor the ruler’s staff from between his feet, as long as men come to Shiloh; and unto him shall the obedience of the peoples be. “ (gen 49:10)

3-the “virgin birth” and “suffering servant” passages that “describe” jc and his birth are gross mistranslations and out of context applications….which is what happens when you translate something from hebrew into greek…wrong. [but more on this in later posts].

4-Gd is not a man. jc is not Gd. jc cannot BE Gd b/c firstly, he’s a man, and secondly, he’s born of a mortal woman:

“God is not a man, that He should lie; neither the son of man, that He should repent: when He hath said, will He not do it? or when He hath spoken, will He not make it good? “ (numbers 23:19)

also even if jc WAS Gd, he’d never be able to have any disciples or talk to ppl, ever. b/c theyd all instantly die:

“And He said: ‘Thou canst not see My face, for man shall not see Me and live.’ “ (exodus 33:20)

5-jews believe that the messiah is just a man, not some metahuman/mutant/demigod dealie. jc flies in the face of that. and sure you could say that the jewish interpretation of what the messiah is isnt necessarily accurate, excpet for the fact that the concept of a messiah is a jewish concept. which mean jews get to define it, not anyone else. thats like telling martin scorcese what HE meant by the tracking shot in the restasurant scene in “goodfellas”. only HE gets to tell you what it actually means since he’s the one who did it, so he knows EXACTLY why he did it. ur speculations are nice, but they’re not the actual meaning….thats almost like telling the descendants of the original twelve dudes that they’re practising their own religion wrong when THEYRE the ones who came up with it…wait…that happened already…

anyhoo that is all for now. digest it. mull it around. we’ll be back for more tomorrow.

part two:cows for steak

part three: diabetics for sugar

part four: amish for technology

part five: nikes for reebok

part six: muslims for pork

–MaNishtana

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my one night stand-off

hey guys.  i know, i know, i’ve been a little bit lax for the past three or so months.  don’t worry, soon enough you will be able to find the rest of the “real talk parsha: shemot” series at a soon to be disclosed place.  but i’ve got a good excuse why i’ve fallen off the wagon.  see, after an eight-year relationship i recently found myself very un-engaged.

[audience: awww…..]

yeah, yeah, relax guys, i’m alright.  but in my newfound singleness i decided—mostly for kicks—hey, why not join one of them there jewish dating sites i hear so much about?  i’m really curious what kinda freaks [physically, not sexually] they’d hook me up with.  so over to frumster.com i go.

firstly, i’m annoyed before i even get out the gate.  why?  well, apparently, according to frumster, there’s only two kinds of “ethnicities”: ashkenazi and sefaradi.  if you’re not one of those two, your only other options are “mixed ethnic” and “convert”.

zuh??

**grumble grumble**

alright, so just to keep the ball rolling, i check “sefaradi”, but when it gets to the “about you” section, i give frumster a lil piece of my mind:

“about me? well, firstly i’m known ocassionally as the blogger manishtana. look me up. also, im a lil annoyed that the only categories under ethnicity are ashkenaz, sfardi, mixed ethnic and convert. im none of those. however, there’s no african-american tab, so here i am. beyond that, i’m pretty much the same collection of cliches every other guy throws out there. “fun-loving” “likes to have a good time” “down to earth” “easygoing”. except in my case you should prolly add “seethingly sarcastic” and “awesome”. or just talk to me and find out “about” me.”

anyhoo, i finish my profile, upload my pic, keep it moving and sign out.

fast forward to 10:37 the next morning, and i find an email in my inbox.  it’s from frumster:

“can you tell me a little bit about your jewish background as part of a basic screening process?”

at first, i’m inclined to comply.  then i think, waitaminute, i already answered “modern orthodox” when they asked my religious observance.  i clicked “orthodox religious” when they asked the household i was raised in.  what exactly can they possibly be asking for at this point?  i have to admit, i’m slightly heated at this point.  but i decide to give it the benefit of the doubt.  maybe this is just a “basic screening process” kinda deal.  so, [because i’m not a naïve idiot] just to test this, i quickly whip up a fake profile, complete with pic of some white facebook friend of mine, and click “ashkenaz”.

anyhoo, back to replying to frumster:

“what are you interested in knowing?”

frumster:

“you specified in your profile that we did not have your correct ethnicity, can you please explain?”

me:

“i’m an ffb african-american orthodox jew, therefore i don’t ethnically fall into any of the ethnicity categories you provide.”

frumster:

“i apologize if this comes off blunt, but is your mother jewish by birth or orthodox conversion?”

now, i’m really not sure what that has to do with the issue of my ethnicity not being present, but i’m guessing they think they have some kinda troublemaker on their hands now.  not yet they don’t.

me:

“birth.”

frumster:

“i am interested in your background as we do not encounter many ffb african american jews. we have listed options according to where the jewish population comes from. can you tell me about where your family is from and how they came to be jewish?”

so this is where i get heated again and have to call bullshit.  before i was kinda empathetic.  maybe you’re seeing if i’m the real deal or one of the power ranger hebrew israelites you see screaming at you in times square.  [aside from the fact that if you are able to find just ONE who would identify themselves as “ffb” or “modern orthodox”, i’ll give you a million dollars].but now?  no.  it’s time to go in.  of course, i keep it classy as always.

me:

“my family on my mother’s side has been african american and jewish for a couple of centuries. and as for listing options according to “where the jewish population comes from”, not to be snippy, but that seems to be slightly off-kilter to me. aside from the fact that jews can literally be found everywhere, what option would there be for someone born of two “non-standard” ethnic converts to check? someone whose parents are both korean converts, for example, or something of a similar nature.”

and just as i’m about to rev up and send email 2 and really go in about how there are *gasp* non-convert jews of color in the world, BAM!  profile approved.

the entire ordeal took over six hours for my profile to be approved.  my ashkenazi alias?  less than two and a half. and btw, its not “basic screening process” to ask about background.

manishtana: 1, frumster: 0

–MaNishtana

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worth it? really?

hey there kids.

so this past week, colleague and friend aliza hausman was interviewed by the jewish press about her choice about conversion, her blog, her experiences and such. it was a nice quaint interview. i myself read it whilst sipping a cup of hot cocoa by the fireplace. however, whether she’s on her own blog, guest starring on someone else’s, or just a quick cameo, it seems our favorite jewminicana is just an eternal hate-magnet. a couple of lovely comments included accusations that she “lambast[es] the frum community”, “[doesnt cover] her hair to make a statement”, “constantly criticizes, mercilessly at times, our [jewish] community”, “makes us [converts] look bad”, and that ms hausman is generally a “misguided vengeful individual.”

[shakes head]

im sorry, maybe you dont realize it, but a lot of jews? especially frum ones? SUCK.

as ppl.

generally speaking, you dont know how to treat YOUR OWN, let alone jews of COLOR, let alone CONVERTS, let alone CONVERTS of COLOR. clearly ur iffy on the dynamics of “cause and effect” so let me just inform you that that tends to make for rightfully angry ppl, whether ffb, baal teshuva, or convert. what else do you think is one of the reasons for judaism losing adherents more than any other religion yearly?

and as for “misguided and vengeful” im sorry that ur so offended that there is someone out there who doesnt allow you to hide behind the puss-covered blanket of “lashon hara” that allows the bedsores of sexual abuse, housing scams, organ harvesting, herpes spreading mohels,and sexually propositioning conversion rabbis to fester. maybe if there were more ppl “constantly” “mercilessly” “criticizing” and “lambasting” the frum community, it wouldnt be in the shambling hypocritical state its in.

to aliza’s fellow convert [also dominican, as i recall] who lamented that aliza made all converts “look bad”: congrats. you really ARE part of the jewish ppl. here’s your ticket. just wait right there and an usher will guide you to your seat in the “you should have left us in egypt” section of the theater. stones are complimentary. also, yes, aliza is making a statement by not covering her hair. in short, it goes something like “i have fibromyalgia you fucking moron and if you’d BLINKED in the direction of my blog just ONCE you’d have noticed the NUMEROUS times i’ve mentioned the pain im constantly in, how excrutiating it is to cover my head, and ALSO that i have a HETER from my rabbi.”

also, my personal favorite, someone pulled out that famous go-to chesnut from yevamot 47b: “proselytes are as hard for israel [to endure] as scabs”. wow, you guys LOVE that one, dont you? so its time for a lil bio lesson here, since you seem to be a lil bit fuzzy on the purpose of a scab:

scab

scab pronunciation (skāb)
n.  

  1. A crust discharged from and covering a healing wound.

see where im going with this? scabs are there b/c you’re wounded and they’re there to heal you, idiot. their purpose is to fix you. inconvenient? yes. but its not THEIR fault that you’re wounded. that ur careless. that you dont know how to take care of ur body. [ill trust everyone to be savvy enough to make the correlation/metaphor about the state of the jewish “body” and “soul” and converts being “scabs”. after all, we’re still in exile, right? so clearly things aren’t all peachy with the jewish ‘body”].

at any rate, i hope all you “scab” types arent the same ppl wishing “next year in yerushalayim” at the seder. b/c according to you guys, “scabs” like, say, ruth, wouldnt be welcome. though i hear she has some bigshot offspring or something–this “mashiach” guy ppl keep going on about. of course i guess if it were up to you he’d never get to exist.

right?

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: yitro [ex 18:1–20:23]

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

and this week we have the two greatest contributions to mankind that jews have ever made.

what?

no, not the ten commandments and the court system.  im talking about cpt and dodging child support.

“cpt”, for those not in the know, means “colored ppl time”, but it works for any brown ethnicity, really.  that indian friend you have who NEVER gets anywhere less than half an hour late? he’s on indian ppl time.  the black history month event thats two hours late to start?  its on bpt.  that trini girl who can never seem to pull it together anywhere near the neighborhood of four hours? well, she’s a woman. but anyway.

here we have israel with an appointment to speak to GD, and what happens? they get there late. b/c they’re frigging SLEEPING. smh. and so cpt is born.

meanwhile, earlier we have jethro, of whom this portion is the namesake, show up with zipporah, gershom and eliezer. remember them? nope, neither did moses apparently.  yeah, jethro pretty much gives the ye olden days equivalent of the standard “you need to take of yo kids” speech. and sure, while i guess its technically not the “dodging” we’re used to nowadays, since moses wasn’t particularly running, think about this: jethro had to find moses…in a ginormous effing desert.

well played sir. well played.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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