my one night stand-off

Posted on April 14, 2010April 25, 2010 Posted in Black Jews, Jews of Color, JOCS, Race, ReligionTagged Black Jews, Jews of Color, JOCS, Judaism, Race, Religion69 Comments

hey guys. i know, i know, i’ve been a little bit lax for the past three or so months. don’t worry, soon enough you will be able to find the rest of the “real talk parsha: shemot” series at a soon to be disclosed place. but i’ve got a good excuse why i’ve fallen off the wagon. see, after an eight-year relationship i recently found myself very un-engaged.

[audience: awww…..]

yeah, yeah, relax guys, i’m alright. but in my newfound singleness i decided—mostly for kicks—hey, why not join one of them there jewish dating sites i hear so much about? i’m really curious what kinda freaks [physically, not sexually] they’d hook me up with. so over to frumster.com i go.

firstly, i’m annoyed before i even get out the gate. why? well, apparently, according to frumster, there’s only two kinds of “ethnicities”: ashkenazi and sefaradi. if you’re not one of those two, your only other options are “mixed ethnic” and “convert”.

zuh??

**grumble grumble**

alright, so just to keep the ball rolling, i check “sefaradi”, but when it gets to the “about you” section, i give frumster a lil piece of my mind:

“about me? well, firstly i’m known ocassionally as the blogger manishtana. look me up. also, im a lil annoyed that the only categories under ethnicity are ashkenaz, sfardi, mixed ethnic and convert. im none of those. however, there’s no african-american tab, so here i am. beyond that, i’m pretty much the same collection of cliches every other guy throws out there. “fun-loving” “likes to have a good time” “down to earth” “easygoing”. except in my case you should prolly add “seethingly sarcastic” and “awesome”. or just talk to me and find out “about” me.”

anyhoo, i finish my profile, upload my pic, keep it moving and sign out.

fast forward to 10:37 the next morning, and i find an email in my inbox. it’s from frumster:

“can you tell me a little bit about your jewish background as part of a basic screening process?”

at first, i’m inclined to comply. then i think, waitaminute, i already answered “modern orthodox” when they asked my religious observance. i clicked “orthodox religious” when they asked the household i was raised in. what exactly can they possibly be asking for at this point? i have to admit, i’m slightly heated at this point. but i decide to give it the benefit of the doubt. maybe this is just a “basic screening process” kinda deal. so, [because i’m not a naïve idiot] just to test this, i quickly whip up a fake profile, complete with pic of some white facebook friend of mine, and click “ashkenaz”.

anyhoo, back to replying to frumster:

“what are you interested in knowing?”

frumster:

“you specified in your profile that we did not have your correct ethnicity, can you please explain?”

me:

“i’m an ffb african-american orthodox jew, therefore i don’t ethnically fall into any of the ethnicity categories you provide.”

frumster:

“i apologize if this comes off blunt, but is your mother jewish by birth or orthodox conversion?”

now, i’m really not sure what that has to do with the issue of my ethnicity not being present, but i’m guessing they think they have some kinda troublemaker on their hands now. not yet they don’t.

me:

“birth.”

frumster:

“i am interested in your background as we do not encounter many ffb african american jews. we have listed options according to where the jewish population comes from. can you tell me about where your family is from and how they came to be jewish?”

so this is where i get heated again and have to call bullshit. before i was kinda empathetic. maybe you’re seeing if i’m the real deal or one of the power ranger hebrew israelites you see screaming at you in times square. [aside from the fact that if you are able to find just ONE who would identify themselves as “ffb” or “modern orthodox”, i’ll give you a million dollars].but now? no. it’s time to go in. of course, i keep it classy as always.

me:

“my family on my mother’s side has been african american and jewish for a couple of centuries. and as for listing options according to “where the jewish population comes from”, not to be snippy, but that seems to be slightly off-kilter to me. aside from the fact that jews can literally be found everywhere, what option would there be for someone born of two “non-standard” ethnic converts to check? someone whose parents are both korean converts, for example, or something of a similar nature.”

and just as i’m about to rev up and send email 2 and really go in about how there are *gasp* non-convert jews of color in the world, BAM! profile approved.

the entire ordeal took over six hours for my profile to be approved. my ashkenazi alias? less than two and a half. and btw, its not “basic screening process” to ask about background.

manishtana: 1, frumster: 0

–MaNishtana

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worth it? really?

Posted on March 28, 2010March 28, 2010 Posted in conversion, Jews, Jews of Color, JOC, JOCS, Judaism, Racism, ReligionTagged conversion, Jews, Jews of Color, Judaism, Racism, Religion16 Comments

hey there kids.

so this past week, colleague and friend aliza hausman was interviewed by the jewish press about her choice about conversion, her blog, her experiences and such. it was a nice quaint interview. i myself read it whilst sipping a cup of hot cocoa by the fireplace. however, whether she’s on her own blog, guest starring on someone else’s, or just a quick cameo, it seems our favorite jewminicana is just an eternal hate-magnet. a couple of lovely comments included accusations that she “lambast[es] the frum community”, “[doesnt cover] her hair to make a statement”, “constantly criticizes, mercilessly at times, our [jewish] community”, “makes us [converts] look bad”, and that ms hausman is generally a “misguided vengeful individual.”

[shakes head]

im sorry, maybe you dont realize it, but a lot of jews? especially frum ones? SUCK.

as ppl.

generally speaking, you dont know how to treat YOUR OWN, let alone jews of COLOR, let alone CONVERTS, let alone CONVERTS of COLOR. clearly ur iffy on the dynamics of “cause and effect” so let me just inform you that that tends to make for rightfully angry ppl, whether ffb, baal teshuva, or convert. what else do you think is one of the reasons for judaism losing adherents more than any other religion yearly?

and as for “misguided and vengeful” im sorry that ur so offended that there is someone out there who doesnt allow you to hide behind the puss-covered blanket of “lashon hara” that allows the bedsores of sexual abuse, housing scams, organ harvesting, herpes spreading mohels,and sexually propositioning conversion rabbis to fester. maybe if there were more ppl “constantly” “mercilessly” “criticizing” and “lambasting” the frum community, it wouldnt be in the shambling hypocritical state its in.

to aliza’s fellow convert [also dominican, as i recall] who lamented that aliza made all converts “look bad”: congrats. you really ARE part of the jewish ppl. here’s your ticket. just wait right there and an usher will guide you to your seat in the “you should have left us in egypt” section of the theater. stones are complimentary. also, yes, aliza is making a statement by not covering her hair. in short, it goes something like “i have fibromyalgia you fucking moron and if you’d BLINKED in the direction of my blog just ONCE you’d have noticed the NUMEROUS times i’ve mentioned the pain im constantly in, how excrutiating it is to cover my head, and ALSO that i have a HETER from my rabbi.”

also, my personal favorite, someone pulled out that famous go-to chesnut from yevamot 47b: “proselytes are as hard for israel [to endure] as scabs”. wow, you guys LOVE that one, dont you? so its time for a lil bio lesson here, since you seem to be a lil bit fuzzy on the purpose of a scab:

scab

(skāb)
n.

A crust discharged from and covering a healing wound.

see where im going with this? scabs are there b/c you’re wounded and they’re there to heal you, idiot. their purpose is to fix you. inconvenient? yes. but its not THEIR fault that you’re wounded. that ur careless. that you dont know how to take care of ur body. [ill trust everyone to be savvy enough to make the correlation/metaphor about the state of the jewish “body” and “soul” and converts being “scabs”. after all, we’re still in exile, right? so clearly things aren’t all peachy with the jewish ‘body”].

at any rate, i hope all you “scab” types arent the same ppl wishing “next year in yerushalayim” at the seder. b/c according to you guys, “scabs” like, say, ruth, wouldnt be welcome. though i hear she has some bigshot offspring or something–this “mashiach” guy ppl keep going on about. of course i guess if it were up to you he’d never get to exist.

right?

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: yitro [ex 18:1–20:23]

Posted on February 5, 2010 Posted in JOCS, Judaism, ReligionTagged JOCS, Judaism, Religion3 Comments

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

and this week we have the two greatest contributions to mankind that jews have ever made.

what?

no, not the ten commandments and the court system. im talking about cpt and dodging child support.

“cpt”, for those not in the know, means “colored ppl time”, but it works for any brown ethnicity, really. that indian friend you have who NEVER gets anywhere less than half an hour late? he’s on indian ppl time. the black history month event thats two hours late to start? its on bpt. that trini girl who can never seem to pull it together anywhere near the neighborhood of four hours? well, she’s a woman. but anyway.

here we have israel with an appointment to speak to GD, and what happens? they get there late. b/c they’re frigging SLEEPING. smh. and so cpt is born.

meanwhile, earlier we have jethro, of whom this portion is the namesake, show up with zipporah, gershom and eliezer. remember them? nope, neither did moses apparently. yeah, jethro pretty much gives the ye olden days equivalent of the standard “you need to take of yo kids” speech. and sure, while i guess its technically not the “dodging” we’re used to nowadays, since moses wasn’t particularly running, think about this: jethro had to find moses…in a ginormous effing desert.

well played sir. well played.

[disclaimer: please, do not expect “real talk” to make actual biblical sense. if you are looking for a legitimate commentary of meaning and substance, this ain’t the place. it’s less “onkelos” and more “onion“, get me?]

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: beshalach [ex 13:17–15:26]

Posted on February 1, 2010February 1, 2010 Posted in JOCS, Judaism, Religion, UncategorizedTagged Jews of Color, Judaism, ReligionLeave a comment

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

manishtana fact no. 11: im a big fan of aquaman.

not so much the costume but the character. i think he’s highly underused and has a lot of untapped potential b/c its easier to write him off as a third string character. but the dude is the king arthur of the sea, PLUS he can command fish…of course while that sounds kickass on paper, it doesnt really work so much in real life. fish have a memory span of about 3 seconds. thats why they die if you put too much food in the water: theyve literally forgotten that they JUST finished eating and so eat themselves to death. so with a power to command fish you’d really end up getting nowhere:

fish: hi aquaman!

aquaman: you! fish! come here!

fish: sure!

aquaman: black manta has a bomb. i need you to–

fish: hi aquaman!

aquaman: yes, hi, great. look, you’re gonna have to swim down to the–

fish: oh wow! hi aquaman!

aquaman: ok, SERIOUSLY pay attention!

fish: sure thing aquaman!

aquaman: good. now the fuse line is–

fish: hi aquaman!

see? kind of a useless power. the kind of useless power which is only second, apparently, to being leader of the jewish people:

israel: yay! 10 plagues! you rock moses!

moses: great! but lets hurry cuz egypt is on our backs right now.

israel: what? why is egypt trying to kill us? why dont you ever do anything GOOD for us moses? we hate you!

moses: uh, what? ok, nevermind. quick into the sea that’s splitting over here!

israel: excellent! moses you’re the best!

moses: um…thank yo–

israel: hey you got any water?

moses: not…not on me right now, n–

israel: you suck moses! i dont know we ever listened to you!

moses: what the f…*ahem*…ok look, i threw some wood into this pond here. drink.

israel: dude! thats why you’re the man moses!

moses: are you…are you guys really okay? cuz it–

israel: OMG moses, can you try to NOT have us die of hunger?

moses: how are you even—

israel: ooh! quails!

moses: okay, im really not–

israel: seriously moses, we’re HUNGRY!

moses: you cant be ser–

israel: ooh! manna!

moses: honestly, this is just ridic–

israel: got any water moses?

moses: but you just HAD–

[punches a rock]

moses: HERE! here’s ur water!

israel: YAY MOSES!

Gd: heeeey moses…can i talk to you over here?

moses: sure

Gd: yeah…im gonna need you to not do that again.

moses: no problem

Gd: good. cuz, like, i will srsly kill you if you do that again.

moses: never happen again

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: bo [ex 10:1–13:16]

Posted on February 1, 2010February 1, 2010 Posted in JOCS, Judaism, Religion, UncategorizedTagged Jews of Color, Judaism, ReligionLeave a comment

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so, after pharaoh’s back and forth yo-yo game with moses, egypt gets hit with the last of the plagues, including death of the firstborn. not sure if anyone realizes, but death of the firstborn is quite possibly the most devastating plague anybody can get hit with. and i say this not b/c of the obvious “death” part [or b/c im a firstborn myself–shout-out to all my erev pesach siyum heads] but b/c death of the firstborn is the plague that just keeps on giving:

[audience applause]

maury: welcome back. now this is imhotep and anck-su-namun. imhotep says that he feels his 3 yr old son mathayus may be child of another man. but his wife anck-su-namun denies ever having an affair and claims that little mathayus is his. let’s hear your side of the story imhotep.

imhotep: see, im an overseer, right? i spent a lot of time out of the house whipping hebrew slaves. its my job, yknow? im just tryna take of my family, so im out of the house a lot. then moses comes along and turns all the dust to lice, so now there’s nothing for the slaves to do and im out of a job. so i come home early and i see this ardeth bay dude creeping out the back of my house.

anck-su-namun: oh you STILL on that? it aint even like that. you just need to care of yo responsibilities. this is YO child!

[audience applause]

imhotep: whatever! whatever! you dont KNOW me!

maury: so imhotep, look at little mathayus there.

[picture of mathayus appears on screen]

[audiences “awww”s]

maury: why would anyone wanna deny that child?

imhotep: well, see, i THOUGHT he was my son. but then i come home after that whole death of the firstborn plague? and mathayus is still alive. what the [bleep] is THAT [bleep] about?

anck-su-namun: look, i dont even know why we here. i told you horus was watching over him.

imhotep: plz, thats that [bleep].

maury: well ive got the paternity test results right here and we’re gonna get to the bottom of this.

[audience applause]

maury: imhotep…in the case of 3 yr old mathayus…you are NOT the father!

[imhotep jumps up, anck-su-namun runs offstage in tears]

imhotep: i TOLD you! i TOLD you!

see? keeps on giving.

–MaNishtana

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“Should Old Annoyance Be Forgot…”

Posted on December 21, 2009December 21, 2009 Posted in Black Jews, Jews of Color, JOCS, Judaism, Politics, Race, Racism, ReligionTagged Black Jews, Jews of Color, JOCS, Judaism, Politics, Race, Racism, Religion11 Comments

here we are with 2009 on its way out and 2010 on its way in. as such, id like to list five new year’s resolutions of sorts [many of which have been inspired by aliza hausman]. now this isnt a list of things that i want to do, but of things i want others to do. and yes, i realize that im a big fat jew, so why am i jumping on the secular/pagan new year’s deal? well, b/c the things id like to see resolved spring from a decidely un-jewish frame of mind and thought, and since you bastards obviously didnt pray any of your idiocy off on rosh hashana, maybe this time you’ll get ur act together. LOL! [no, not really. not even a little bit.] anyhoo.

1. stop telling jocs that they’re too sensitive/complain too much/are career victims. really, its great that u perceive that ur particular inclave is joc-friendly [altho, to add just a lil bit of credence to the merit of ur purported statement, you may want to, i dunno, ASK the jocs in ur inclave how THEY actually feel the community treats them, not how you THINK they feel or SHOULD feel based on your necessarily limited knowledge and experience of the situation]. no, white ppl, just b/c you converted does not mean you are an automatic authority on the woes of the joc community. sure, you might feel some needling due to ur convert status, but that does not even begin to open ur mind to the waves of microaggressions and grade-a ignorance a joc undergoes on a near-daily basis.

1a. as an addendum, id also like to call a halt to statements like “i dont think its THAT bad.” “do you really experience THAT much racism?” “are you sure what ur experiencing isnt just slight unease?” [all of these are actual quotes, btw]. now, [although ill prolly get the same waves of emails asking why i feel the need to devolve to physical violence as i did for my jocslapping video] im gonna give you an example:

imagine that i was complaining that as a joc i was getting punched by people on a constant basis and ur response was “are you really getting punched THAT hard?” see, ur missing the point THAT IM GETTING PUNCHED. stop asking me if im really getting punched “that hard” or “that often”, just STOP FUCKING PUNCHING ME.

2. please, everyone, get over the assumption that racism and ignorance only exist in the orthodox jewish community. the reform and conservatives just do it in hipper clothes and with better hair.

2a. as an addendum: non-orthodox jocs, us orthodox jocs who speak of our negative experiences are not crazy. we feel great that you’ve had such lovely experiences, but sadly that has not been the case for all of us. it isnt something that “we” are “putting out there” or what “we” are “doing”. and although, no, not all ashkenazi or other non-jocs are rabid, horse-riding, sheet wearing racists, yes racism is pervasive and institutionalized in american judaism. please stop trying to tell us its not. when synagogues have in their constitution that “this congregation will not encourage or interfere with making proselytes under any pretence … until he, she or they provide credentials…and, provided he, she, or they are not people of color” [congregation kaal kadesh, south carolina] and that the congregation is limited to “white isrealits [sic] only” [another synagogue whose name i cant recall at the moment] then yes, its institutionalized. when a rabbi receives death threats before attending their pulpit b/c they’re black [rabbi alyssa stanton], then yes, its pervasive.

3. randomly, j***h’s witnesses, please stop trying to recruit me while im walking down the block on shabbat in my jewniform. clearly, ive already been drafted by a team. however, im sure some of those guys over there in the dugouts could use your help more. and by “guys in the dugouts” i mean “those Gdless drug dealers over there on the corner”.

4. ppl who dont support/believe in the state of israel are not any more un-jewish than you are. theyre un-ZIONIST. yes “anti-zionist” is usually code for “anti-semitic”…if ur a NON-JEW. but if you ARE jewish, then you know the difference. please stop being so holier-than-thou. if i dont believe ur supporting the state of israel makes you a death-eater, then me not supporting the state of israel shouldnt make me lord voldemort. either way im sure we can BOTH agree that flying planes into buildings is a very not good thing to do.

5. black [and other ethnic] ppl: please stop condescending/pitying us jocs b/c you feel we abandonded your savior to be jews. more importantly, stop patting urselves on the back for remaining so blindly faithful to the religion that was forced down your throat and most responsible for stripping away ur original culture, enslaving you and oppressing you.

thank you for ur time.

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Vayetze [gen 28:10–32:3]

Posted on November 26, 2009December 16, 2009 Posted in JOCS, Judaism, Religion, UncategorizedTagged Jews of Color, Judaism, Religion2 Comments

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

so does anyone else wonder why lavan takes it so personally after jacob just up and books? i know i do. i mean, did lavan forget their first meeting? forget the fact that jacob had to send him a coded message which essentially translated to “anything you can do i can do better”.

when jacob first shows up in aram–fresh from having been robbed along the way and pushing a huge stone of a well–lavan greets him…then, as the midrash tells us, lavan is disappointed that jacob has no gifts and wealth with him [remember, lavan was around for eliezer’s “prince ali” routine for rebecca] and, on a hunch that jacob is hiding it on his person, proceeds to fondle and kiss jacob to find the wealth…right. looking for jacob’s “jewels”. no kidding.

one: ive always assumed that pushing a rock off the mouth of a well was exhausting work. well, it’s obviously more exhausting than i thought since it apparently leaves you completely powerless to defend against YOUR UNCLE SHOVING HIS TONGUE IN YOUR MOUTH. two: no wonder jacob got the hell outta dodge the first chance he got. lavan was apparently one of “those” uncles. y’know. the “let’s play in uncle touchy’s naked basement of shame” kinda uncles.

excellent.

–MaNishtana

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real talk parsha: toldot [gen 25:19-28:9]

Posted on November 18, 2009December 16, 2009 Posted in Black Jews, Jews of Color, JOCS, Judaism, ReligionTagged Black Jews, Jews of Color, Judaism, ReligionLeave a comment

and this week we have the parsha on the forefather with the most useless p.r. agent in the history of the bible. not only does isaac only squeeze out just one section, but his spotlight gets stolen halfway through but jacob and esau. i mean think about it. you say abraham and you think, “oh yeah, the first dude. the dude that circumcises himself. the dude in the furnace. the dude who sacrifices his kid. the dude with the three angels.” say jacob: “right! he was the dude with the evil twin! and the twelve kids. and the birthright trick. and the goat trick. and opened some whupass on an angel.” but isaac? “uh…that guy who got tied to a rock…and, oh yeah, he didn’t know his kid was evil.”

although to be fair, isaac grew up in abraham’s home where he didn’t really see ppl be shady. [except, y’know, that whole deal where ishmael would shoot arrows at him and call it “playing”, but apparently that was completely forgotten water under the bridge.] but rebecca was on point, because she, unlike isaac grew up in what was apparently biblical compton:

rebecca: what’re you doing over, esau?

esau: yes, mother?

rebecca: don’t gimme that “yes mother” bullsh*t, mother*cker. i axed you what your @ss was up to.

esau: but why would you speak to me thusly?

rebecca: aight look. first, cut this shakespeare bullsh*t. second, i seent you n***a, aight? that ish might fly with isaac, but don’t bring that this way, na mean? i smoked tougher gangstas than you, aight? back in my hood, you woulda been iced in a camel-by with the quickness, ya feel me?

and that’s why isaac loved esau, but rebecca loved jacob. also, everyone talks about how jacob was a trickster. but if isaac grew up in vanilla-land with abraham, where did jacob get all tricksy from? i think rebecca was teaching him some hard street lessons on the low, na mean? i mean, that birthright hustle he pulled on esau?

[esau twitches, sniffs heavily]

esau: yo man.

jacob: what’s good?

esau: hook me up man.

jacob: hook you up? whatchu talkin bout?

esau: you know what i’m talking bout. gimme that lentil-ish. that good red sticky icky.

jacob: i dunno man.

esau: yo, you know i’m good for it.

jacob: i dunno…you mad hot right now. wearing them nimrod threads.

esau: yo, c’mon, bruh.

[jacob sighs]

jacob: aight, look. imma hook you up this one time, aight? this one time. but imma need your birthright.

esau: pssh. aight, man. done.

jacob: and run them pants.

esau: the pants too, man?

jacob: yo, you wanna get wet or what?

esau: aight, aight. take the pants.

and let’s not forget the blessing switcheroo like so scheme out of “the sting”.

rebecca: yo jacob.

jacob: what up, ma dukes.

rebecca: look, your pops is tryna give esau the blessing little man.

jacob: what? esau? that’s that bullsh*t.

rebecca: i know. real talk? i can’t stand the mother*cker. so you needs to get up in there and cop that ish.

jacob: trick pops? i dunno…

[rebecca slaps jacob]

rebecca: i ain’t taught you no sense? acting like i ain’t gave you no home training. git yo @ss in there, boy. and don’t worry about ya pops, i got him.

ahh…the family that hustles together, stays together…or something.

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Chayei Sarah [gen 23:1–25:18]

Posted on November 12, 2009December 16, 2009 Posted in Jews of Color, JOCS, Judaism, ReligionTagged Black Jews, Jews of Color, Judaism, ReligionLeave a comment

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

well, after last week’s virtual cornucopia of cannon fodder, we’re left with fairly slim pickings this week, what with sarah dying and abraham buying the cave machpelah [haggling yet again]. but, for all those ppl who hate reality tv and/or disney fairytale stories, we have the eliezer/isaac/rebecca story. just think “the bachelor” mixed with equal parts “aladdin” with a dash of “cinderella” for good measure.

i mean, really, didn’t eliezer seriously show up at rebecca’s all prince ali ababwa style? with, like, gold noserings and bracelets, camels, quite possibly a magic carpet, fifty elephants, lions galore, bears and tigers, a brass band and more, forty fakirs and cooks and bakers and birds that warble on key? [by the way, yes i said “gold nosering”, to all those ppl shaking their heads at the crazy piercings that are all the rage with the kids nowadays]. but anyways, was her family really surprised when she decided to bounce the next day? i mean, aside from the wealth just leaking from eliezer’s eyes [and remember, he was just the servant], just the day before rebecca was apparently the water-fetcher-girl of the household. agreeing to marry this mysterious “isaac” dude was obviously a step up from her current situation. then again, maybe rebecca was the passive-aggressive, femme fatale type…now that you mention it, her dad bethuel mysteriously dies…rebecca is the sole overseer of the household’s water supply…she doesn’t stay around for the funeral….hmm…you’d better look out, eliezer. something tells me you’re gonna dearly pay for that whole “give me and my camels some water” ploy…oh look. you’ve disappeared from the bible after you bring rebbeca to isaac…

kinda makes that scene where Rebecca covers her face when she sees Isaac approaching seem that much creepier, huh.

also, abraham stars in “how abie got his groove back”, shacks up with keturah, and has himself some more kids. take that, viagra.

–MaNishtana

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Real Talk Parsha: Vayera [gen 18:1-22:24]

Posted on November 5, 2009December 16, 2009 Posted in Jews of Color, JOCS, Judaism, ReligionTagged Jews of Color, JOCS, Judaism, Religion2 Comments

real talk parsha. because obviously Gd has a sense of humor. just look at your face.

now this week’s portion is full of all kinds of juicy bits.

after circumcising himself and having tea with his three visitors, abraham’s first official act as a jew is to haggle with Gd. no seriously. abraham tries to jew Gd out of destroying sodom, eventually trying to weasel some redemption out of Him for the low low price of ten righteous guys. abraham fails, because, y’know, he’s up against GD, and in atonement for this, abraham’s descendants are cursed to haggle with everyone they ever meet in life, ever.

also, we are introduced to the evil that is sodom and gomorrah, whom the midrash takes the time to expound on the depths of their evil. now to all you religious parents out there: sure, you worry about what your kids see on tv and stuff, but you should really watch some of those midrashes, too. i remember my pre-teen self trying my darndest to convince myself how evil sodom was when i read that they buried one of lot’s daughter’s alive in a nest of ants while naked and covered in honey. wasn’t very succesful.

tween me: damn those sodomites, covering naked women in honey. that’s just…that’s just horrible…and, uh, evil…and stuff…bastards…

anyhoo, somewhere in that whole ordeal lot gets it on with not one, but BOTH of his daughters. fantastic. and by “fantastic”, i mean “wtffnswtf?” (“what the f**ing f**k? no, seriously, what the f**k?”)

in more child troubles, sarah tells abraham to kick ishmael out because she doesn’t like the cut of his jib or how he treats isaac. abraham says they’re just kids having fun. the midrash tells us that ishmael used to shoot arrows at isaac. really? is that what you think kids do for fun?? although, in abraham’s defense, his childhood consisted of dodging sacrifice duty, ducking armed guards from the king and playing hopscotch in burning furnaces. he probably wished someone would just shoot arrows at him.

at last, we end with the binding of isaac. great stuff. a father selflessly sacrificing his son. a son eager to help his father fulfill a divine commandment. the midrash says, in fact, that isaac asked abraham to tie his hands so that he [isaac] didn’t inadvertently invalidate the sacrifice. yeah, okay. i’m sure that’s how that went down.

isaac: father?

abraham: here i am, my son.

isaac: behold the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?

abraham: Gd will seek Himself out the lamb for the sacrifice.

isaac: um…okay. i mean, it was kinda Gd’s idea for us to come out here and offer a sacrifice, so, i dunno, just seems kinda random.

abraham: Gd works in mysterious ways.

isaac:…alright…anyhoo, can i at least hold something? i mean, you’ve got the firewood and the matches and everything. i kinda don’t see why i’m even here, rea–

[isaac has moment of realization]

isaac: are you SERIOUS?

abraham: uh…Gd will seek Hims–

isaac: oh, save it, alright! dammit! you couldn’t have told me this three days ago? “hey son, wanna go for a trip where i end up killing you at the end”? sacrifice me? yeah. better tie my @ss down, old man.